nameless

A funny prognosis

2012-01-27T16:01:00.001-06:00

I don't have much to report....just didn't want my last depressing post to linger over the weekend so I leave you with this:

At the dentist yesterday (my third trip in 10 days), after more X-rays and sitting patiently in the reclining chair as the dental hygienist and dentist poked and prodded....

Dentist's official prognosis: "Your tooth is stressed out. It needs time to calm down, a couple of weeks or even a month".

So, I have a moody tooth. Unexpected. Hilarious. My toddler tooth is behaving well enough that I was able to eat crackers with lunch today...progress.

Happy weekend :)

A Little Fall of Rain

2012-01-25T05:14:00.000-06:00

4:30 am and a thunderstorm is raging outside. Rain is pouring down, lightening flashes across the sky and the rolling thunder is so loud it sounds like a war rather than mother nature. I've never heard thunder quite like this before and have been quietly and intently listening to the storm in the darkness of my bedroom for nearly 2 hours, unable to fall back asleep.

Things have not been going so well for me lately. Like the storm, it's not one thing but a lot of things converging together. December was full of activity with running a marathon and spending time with friends and family over the holidays and marked the end of an eventful, progressive and positive year.

January has been completely void of activity mostly because I don't feel well. A toothache has been bothering me for about 3 weeks, a second trip to the dentist this week improved things but not entirely. So I'll be returning to the dentist soon, which is fine, it will get sorted out. I'm running on the weekends but the pain in my ankles lingers for 3 days after a light 5 mile run. I saw a doctor yesterday about this and have a referral for physical therapy, so that's a step in the right direction. I intend to start swimming again and there's yoga once or twice a week which I really enjoy. Then there's fatigue - for the past three weeks I've been inexplicably tired with droopy eyes at 6 or 7 pm and my head aches. The headaches aren't severe but enough to force me to take it easy. I don't like to sleep, so I go to bed at 10 pm or so even though I'm certain I could fall asleep much earlier in the evening. So, I'm not sure if it's dull pain from a toothache, less energy from a scaled back running routine, mental frustration over pain in my legs despite less running, boredom after all the excitement of the holiday season or something else entirely....but the end result has left me feeling depressed. My doctor ordered labs yesterday, out of routine more than anything, but I'm looking forward to the results. Honestly, at this point, I would just like someone to say one way or another that I'm fine and need to suck it up or no, there's really an issue and here's what we're going to do about it.

Mom said there would be days like this....and I accept that and am going to keep on keeping on. The weather forecast calls for rain all day but the storm will pass eventually. I hope all of you are having a much better January than I've described here.

Only one shopping day left 'til tomorrow

2012-01-10T14:02:00.002-06:00

This weekend I cleaned out my closet and went through all the dresser drawers in my bedroom. Some people loathe this kind of activity but I rather enjoy keeping things organized and cared for. The closet under the stairs terrifies me though, because it serves as an attic and is a mess and there's a beam supporting the stairwell that I fear will knock me out cold one day and Boston will have to transform into Lassie and alert neighbors to save me from imminent death.

I digress.

There are not many days where I walk into the closet in my bedroom and think "I have nothing to wear!". Austin is a laid back town, the dress code at work allows my work and leisure clothes to overlap quite a bit and my style leans toward classic rather than eccentric. Plus I'm old enough that I know what I like and that's what I buy.

However, I think my wardrobe needs some work because I generally only shop prior to an extended vacation or event (or a date, occasionally). I don't like shopping for hours and hours and finding what you want or need takes time, even with the option to shop on-line. And money - which I generally spend on the house or travel. So, I Googled "Wardrobe essentials", read some content and a few lists and took note of the items that made sense, keeping in mind the things I like to wear, climate (occasional high of 70 in January, 100+ June - August.) and how I spend my time.

Then I made a spreadsheet. Naturally. Who has the time to inventory their closet? I do, during my 4 hour shift volunteering at the NICU on Sunday. Most of the Wardrobe Essential lists target 20 must-have items, some including shoes. There are 120 rows in my spreadsheet - which doesn't list everything but includes a row each for things like Winter coats, running/yoga gear, PJs, swim/beach wear - and I captured these data points for items owned and needed:

Item i.e. Little Black Dress. Which I don't have, shockingly.

Style i.e. Neckline, length, fit, description

Color i.e. Black, Red, Print, Striped

Material - Cotton, Cashmere

Category - Essential, Staple, Casual, Statement, Evening, Athletic, Base layer, Outerwear

Priority - Purchase priority High, Medium or Low

Status - Complete (items owned), Pending (items needed) or Needs Repair

Price range - $-$$$$

Estimated cost - Did you know the Vlookup formula works in Google Doc spreadsheets? My absolute favorite formula.

Brand

Merchant - I see a trend for Nordstrom

Purchase Date

Comment

So, in 2012, gaps in my wardrobe will be filled. I hope. Without breaking the bank. I'm going to seek out new places to shop, too, such as Esty or boutiques in Austin I've never been to or want to re-visit. I'll still buy things that are trendy or that I want or like for no apparent reason but I like having the spreadsheet which lists pieces to be on the look-out for. Happy shopping!

An album of sorts

2012-01-06T10:42:00.001-06:00

One of the holiday traditions in my family is to take a group portrait after sharing a home-cooked meal but before exchanging gifts and decorating cookies for Santa. The kiddos are always anxious to have the photo over with so they can rip into presents and change out of itchy tights and maybe the adults feel this way too. I'm the official photographer, only there's nothing official about it, so I setup the tripod and self-timer and take 3-4 photos of the fam. On the last take, we've started capturing a "silly" photo and this year's edition is pretty good I think.

I had the flu this Christmas, followed by a terrible cold and losing my voice so I spent a lot of time in bed and dozing off while watching football or movies. As soon as I started feeling better, I took pup Boston to the Brushy Creek trail near my home. It's a beautiful trail and really special since Boston and I spend so much time there. I know the trail so well after logging so many miles, up and down, down and back, during marathon training. I was walking rather than running the trail this time, so I took the camera along. I let Boston off the leash and he had the time of his life exploring, running top-speed and swimming in the cool water of the creek. It was a gorgeous Winter day with a sunny and cloudy sky and temperature at 50 degrees. Boston and I found a new spot along the trail where the creek is rushing and a wall of stone lines one side of the creek bed and it's quickly become our favorite to pause and take a deep breath. In Boston's case, he literally runs circles at full speed which cracks me up - I love the photo where all 4 of his paws are off the ground and his ears are flapping in the wind (4th photo below).

Happy weekend!

Music to my ears

2012-01-05T09:16:00.001-06:00

On New Year's Eve, some friends and I went downtown for a Hayes Carll show at La Zona Rosa. I was excited to ring in the new year with live music and to see this act again, after seeing them at the last Austin City Limits music festival. Hayes Carll is a native Texan, originally from Houston, and I like his mixed sound of Texas country, folk and rock. The group of people I was with were dressed for dinner at Trulucks, a seafood/steakhouse restaurant, and in for a surprise once we arrived at La Zona Rosa because there was a costume contest for NYE. Keep Austin Weird was in full swing (although not everyone was in costume). I love this town.

Santa brought me a Blu-Ray player so listening to Pandora has become part of my routine each morning. On my iPod at work, I can't stop listening to the Sigh No More album by Mumford & Sons, The Script self-titled album (from 2008 I believe), Ryan Bingham's Junky Star album and the song Devil Knows You're Dead by Delta Spirit. There are two versions of the Delta Spirit song, one appeared in an episode of Friday Night Lights and the other has an acoustic, more up-beat sound. Yesterday I downloaded Safe & Sound from The Hunger Games soundtrack, the film will be released in March. I read the book trilogy in December and was curious about the song by Taylor Swift and The Evil Wars. It's a different sound for Taylor Swift but sets the right tone for the Hunger Games, definitely a song you have to be in the mood for because it's somber but airy.

Book reviews

2012-01-04T17:08:00.002-06:00

I either loved or hated each book I read last year, the content was darker than what I usually delve into. I thought it would be fun to write a post about some of my literary adventures, so here goes....for your benefit and further down the road when I want to find a quote or re-visit a story or character. I think novels are the cheapest form of travel - to another time, place or circumstance - and love getting wrapped up a character.

Millennium Series by Stieg Larsson
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Girl Who Played with Fire
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest
Genre: Fiction, action and adventure, thriller and suspense (it occurs to me I'm not qualified to place a book in a genre)
These books are incredibly popular internationally and an American movie based on the first book was recently released in theaters. Violent movies and news on TV give me nightmares (including E.T. and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Creepy, I tell you.) but I can read a violent book (not ideal but I can stop reading if I need to). I appreciate the author's bold choice to write about violence against women. I love the character of Lisbeth Salander. I can't relate to her life and find her immensely cool, strong, sharp and self-reliant. She experiences the unthinkable, several times over, but you don't pity her and are propelled by her reaction and wonder what she's going to do next as the story unfolds. I found the character of Mikael Blomkvist intriguing, intelligent and charming. The plot of each book is intense, I enjoyed The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest the most of the three.

The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins

Hunger Games
Catching Fire
Mockingjay
Genre: Young-adult, sci-fi, action
I loved each book of the series, the 2nd was my favorite. The main character, Katniss, reminded me of Lisbeth in some ways and I wanted to protect her from her world. It was fun to read this series and Stieg Larsson's books all in a row, rather than waiting for the next book to be written and published. The Hunger Games plot and themes are dark and force you to think about humanity and survival. I found the relationships between family members and people within the community fascinating.

A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby
Fiction
If you are in the mood for a dark comedy, read this book. I adore Nick Hornby and loved the first-person narrative of four unique, damaged characters and the odd friendships formed after a chance meeting. The characters aren't profound, but the format of spending time in each of their heads from one chapter to the next made their misadventures all the more memorable.

Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl
Fiction
I found this book entertaining, unique. I didn't love the characters and found the plot odd. The prevalent literary and movie references were exhausting. I enjoyed reading the book but wouldn't read it again.

The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
Memoir
If you're mourning, read this book. Joan Didion is a brilliant, accomplished writer. The period of her life written about in this book is tragic and heart-breaking. Her writing style, which I like, is detached from emotion and makes her words full of impact. She analyzes her grief and provides insightful research, a gap she was trying to fill in literature. She writes "Recognizing a thought is not rational does not prevent the thought from occurring", something I'd experienced for the first time just prior to reading the book. I felt fragile reading this book but comforted by the understanding I gained. So I read it twice, early in the year and Summer.

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
Allegorical novel
I hated this book. I don't like allegories. The Alchemist is one of the most popular books in the world. Ever. I usually like classics, for the characters who become real and the unforgettable stories the book leads you through but had to force myself to read the brief 170 pages of The Alchemist. I began to glaze over the symbolism and quotable passages and didn't agree with the overall message of the book. I'm an optimist and a dreamer but just don't think this story is representative of humanity and the world in which we live or dream to live in.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Novel, satire, romance
Lizzie Bennet and Scout Finch are two of my favorite characters of all time. I've read both Pride and Prejudice and To Kill A Mockingbird several times. I wanted to read a love story, so I got lost in Jane Austen's beautiful story of Lizzie and Mr. Darcy once again and enjoyed every word.

Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner
Memoir
"Change your place, I believe, and you can change your life". A philosophical and funny travel memoir and engaging story about a search for the happiest places in the world. I loved the author's somewhat jaded view of happiness itself, window into other cultures and thought the author asked the age old question - What Makes People Happy and Why? - in a clever way. I'd read this book again, in fact, it seems to be a great travel companion.

Up next...Moby Dick. I've never read one of the best novels in American literature and there's no time like the present. I also bought the first of the Game of Thrones series, I'm a little worried it might be too complicated in terms of plot and characters but we'll see.

For some answer, to this fire - Ryan Adams

2012-01-03T16:39:00.003-06:00

I just read this post on Pioneer Woman. I've been reading P-dub's blog for years and found this post to be a window into her family life as she describes hosting a slumber party for her daughter and their friends and making an ice-cream sundae. The story made me happy. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun began playing in my head as I read. I love slumber parties and ice-cream and have fond childhood memories of giggling late into the night over pizza or ice-cream with my friends.

While reading, I also felt a pang of...something that did not feel good. I have felt the same feeling on occasion when talking with a friend about their 5 year old daughter or life as a Mom. A lot of my friends my age have 2 or 3 children. I wish I had a daughter. Instead, I'm single and childless. I'm not even sure if I can call myself single because that implies never having married and of course I'm divorced.

I'm happy, not hopeless but equally distant from hopeless and motherhood it seems.

So what is this feeling? I can rule out jealousy, that's just not me. It's not loneliness, my life is full of good things and people. Yearning? Desire. I don't feel it everyday and it's triggered by different people and circumstances. The emotion is not all-consuming, I'm not moved to tears. But the feeling does linger, as a reminder that my life is not as full as I'd like it to be. I'm a realist, my dream of having a family might never come true. I'm blessed with a expansive and loving family - parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews and dear, loyal friends - but there is no substitute for being a parent.

It's difficult to want things you can't accomplish on your own. I don't just want to have kids, I envision a family and partner to love and parent with. I don't have a plan, I'm not sure there is a plan for finding love other than walking around with one's heart open.

So, 2012 starts off with elusive dreams. My defense is to keep dreaming and believing and taking pause when this feeling comes round.

2011

2011-12-29T11:49:00.001-06:00

2011 has been a great year, undeniably and surprisingly one of the best years of my life. How can that be possible, given I went through a divorce this year and was completely blindsided by that event? Looking back, all I can say is I handled the divorce with love and know without a doubt I am an optimist. One of my friends told me I am too practical and resourceful for my life to fall apart and, through tears, I laughed knowing it was probably true. Last Winter I endured nightmares, tears and anxiety and, for me, the grief of divorce is the same as grieving the death of a spouse. I only hoped to survive this year, keep my home and remain sane. I did not set out to grow or challenge myself.

I don't know how to react when people say I am happier now then when I was married. It's true that I am happy but it took a lot of effort to piece my life back together and move forward. I didn't want the divorce so for me, it's not happier, it's just different. So how did I end up here? Attitude - my outlook is optimistic and I never stopped believing that people are good, the world is a beautiful place and there is no other way to be than honest, kind, earnest and genuine. Action - I went to counseling to process all the emotions of the divorce. I remained focused at work. I began volunteering to find purpose and fill the void of caring for someone. I surrounded myself with friends and family, responding when they reached out and accepting invitations to events or parties or dinner. I did things I like to do like travel (New York NY, Boston/Cape Cod MA, Chicago IL, Vancouver BC Canada, Tulsa OK), read novels, photography and going to the park with my pup Boston. And perhaps the most important framework I put into place was a running routine, which remedied sleepless nights, ensured I was taking care of myself and served as a reminder how much I enjoy athletics. It seems simple - spend time with people you like, do things you like and when things happen you don't like, be optimistic or look for the silver lining - and you'll find happiness.

Time heals. It pains me to say this, because no one wants to hear this when their heart is broken or something terrible has happened. Relationships are important - this year would not have been any fun without my friends - all of my blogger friends included- family and pup Boston.

2011 was filled with a lot of firsts for me which is evidence it's been a great year for me

Whale watching in Cape Cod. By myself. Despite my fear of boats. When I bought my ticket, I was told there were 8 foot swells. I went on the tour anyway and enjoyed the experience (a true testament to the fact I will do almost anything for a photo opportunity). And luckily there weren't 8 foot swells and I didn't get seasick.
First stamp on my first passport on a trip to Vancouver BC Canada with my 3 best friends
Ran my first marathon on 11 December 2011 in College Station Texas, the first marathon in Aggieland where I graduated from college 10 years ago
Attended Austin City Limits Music Festival at Zilker Park
Dating. Texting. Entirely new to me.
First raise at work in 4 years. There was a lot of uncertainty this year with CEO and CIO changes and less than ideal performance by the company so I was surprised and elated to be recognized - especially given the emotional roller coaster I was on for 6 months of the fiscal year. Hopefully I'll stop having dreams about being homeless now.
Attended my first yoga class. I'd done yoga at home before but nothing formal and I love, love, love my yoga class at the Y
Carved a pumpkin. I hosted a pumpkin carving party to celebrate my birthday

It was somewhat daunting, starting out the year heart-broken and depressed and knowing I had the support of loved ones but ultimately the plan to move forward had to be my own and I'm responsible for my own happiness. I'm not a boastful person but it feels good to have come so far this year. It didn't take long to find my smile again but now it feels like I never lost it.

I'm ringing in the New Year in Austin with friends, there will be live music, champagne and a lot to celebrate. Happy New Year! I wish you all the best in 2012.

Kids these days

2011-12-21T16:34:00.002-06:00

On Saturday, my family gathered at my parent's home to celebrate Christmas together. All day, my nieces and nephews were cracking me up:

22 month old niece flips through a Dr. Seuss book while sitting in car seat and waiting to go to the park to look at Christmas lights

6 year old niece, to other niece: Gracie, you know you can't read, right?

4 year old niece, coloring with crayons: Mom! The white crayon isn't working. Is it out of batteries?

9 year old niece completes Rubix cube (seriously, it's amazing to watch her do this. Genius, this kiddo)

9 year old nephew: A Rubix cube isn't a pet. I'd rather have a dog than a Rubix cube

4 year old niece opens Christmas gift: Thank you for the gift Grandma! I've wanted this forever, like, since last week!

Me, to 6 year old niece: Jessica, what did you ask Santa for Christmas this year?

4 year old niece: Ask me what I want for Christmas!

Me: What would you like for Christmas Brielle

4 year old niece: A cow and a horse

Me, to self: Only in Texas.

I can see Daniel waving goodbye - Elton John

2011-12-19T15:39:00.002-06:00

The holiday season is in full swing. Every night last week I attended a party or dinner which was a lot of fun and I enjoyed seeing friends old and new. I spent Saturday sharing a home-cooked meal, looking at Christmas lights in the park and decorating cookies for Santa with my family. Family traditions make the holidays so special, from Mom's homemade fudge to squeezing our growing family around the Christmas tree for a photo. On Sunday, I hosted a Christmas dinner and celebration at my house for my closest friends. I love hosting and we spent hours telling stories, drinking wine and laughing around the dinner table. My heart is full.

On Saturday, pup Boston and I rode with my brother's family to College Station. My sister-in-law drove and my brother insisted I sit in the front seat with her. It was funny to see my brother in the middle seat between his two young daughters because the girls were watching a movie and my brother was listening to his iPod and happy for the quiet time. My sister-in-law and I had a nice long chat about work, family and all those other things girlfriends talk about.

So, the title of this post....first of all, Elton John is one of my favorite artists and Daniel is such a great song. On the way to College Station, my sister-in-law asked me about the guy I dated this summer and if I'm still seeing him. I said No and explained essentially the guy said he would call and didn't, which I talked about here in this post.

After talking with my sister-in-law, I realized it's not something I think about but I'm not over it. And not for the obvious reason of rejection. It's not about the guy, although he was a great guy and I really liked him. It wasn't the situation, I didn't rush into things.

I haven't gotten over it because of how it ended without warning or explanation. This guy isn't a bad guy, he's a good person. Yet, in the end, he chose to act disrespectfully by telling me a bold, selfish lie. The behavior was unwarranted. I understand things don't work out between people, I'll never understand why people are mean.

I'm not angry but disappointed and yeah, rejection in this way is more hurtful. But I've let go of it now. I gladly accept the disappointment, angst and consequences and will continue looking for the good in people. In my experience, everyone has a good side and you usually find what you're looking for.

Live from the course

2011-12-14T14:26:00.002-06:00

Christopher Niemann, an author and artist whose illustrations have appeared in The New Yorker and Newsweek, attempted to live-illustrate the New York City Marathon last month. I think his attempt was successful, don't you? I especially like the graph illustrating the value of a banana on a marathon course relative to world peace and a skateboard.

http://niemann.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/11/07/new-york-city-marathon/

During marathon training, I used the Nike GPS app on my iPhone to track miles, duration/pace and routes (I also have an incredibly detailed spreadsheet within Google Docs to track overall marathon training progress including graphs, training schedule, circuit workout detail etc). I didn't use the Nike app during the marathon because the iPhone battery would have run out.

I carried my iPhone with me during the marathon and at mile 7, it occurred to me it might be fun to take some photos along the course. So, here's photos I took with my iPhone and my attempt at live-illustration of the 2011 Bryan/College Station Marathon. Enjoy!

All smiles at the starting line with my friends Wendy and Jason. The temperature is bit chilly but perfect for a marathon, regardless I started out with a long-sleeve LuLuLemon shirt and striped beanie.

Mile 7 marker, my favorite number. Mile markers were hand-painted by local artists. Mile 7 was in the city of Bryan, I arrived around 8:30 am.

The week prior to the race, the forecast called for a slight chance of rain. Mile 9 or so I checked the weather and was thrilled to learn the temperature would remain cool and skies clear and sunny. It was a beautiful day. Also, when did weather become "Social" (bottom right corner)?

My Mom at mile 10.5 and handing me a honey crisp apple. This apple was an important energy source and Mom took the task very seriously. Mile 11 - 13 through the Traditions neighborhood was one of the most challenging portions of the race - lots of hills. I ate the apple while I was running and it helped keep my mind off the hills. I should also add that in addition to driving to mile markers to cheer for me, my 68-year-old Dad carried his bicycle in the car and rode along the course looking for me. He'd find me, ride along side me and we'd chat then he would ride back to my Mom, sister and niece so they would know when I'd be running by their spectator spot.

Do I have the best family in the world or what?

My sister and 22 month old niece drove-in from Houston the morning of the race and met up with Mom and Dad to cheer for me. This photo was taken at mile 13 (I crossed at 2 hours 39 minutes) as I left the Traditions neighborhood. I'm not sure who the spectator is next to Mom and I have no idea what my Dad is taking a photo of....it's not a photo of me since I just ran by him.

Mile 14...in the middle of no where. The "Could be worse" sign cracked me up. The next sign was "Not Dead Yet" followed by "I will not poop my pants". Hilarious.

When this photo was taken, I teared up and my heart filled with happiness because this part of the course went through the Texas A&M University campus. In this photo, the College of Veterinary Medicine is on the right and West Campus is on the left. I spent the majority of my time at A&M at the College of Business on West Campus.

Angels on my wings...my friends Wendy and Jason ran with me from mile 16 to 25.

Me at Mile 16 with West Campus directly behind me and Kyle Field in the distance. I tucked my 12th Man towel into my running belt which held my phone and packets of honey. I brought the towel because I was really, really worried about rain and wanted something to dry my face off with. I also ditched my beanie back at mile 9, handing it to Dad as he rode next to me on his bicycle.

Mile 18 at Reed arena on campus. My Mom just handed me a clean shirt to change into (brilliant move on my part - so refreshing). My Dad and sister started taking pictures of me and I was laughing because 1. I was wearing a tank underneath but had just taken my shirt off....what's with all the photos at this exact moment when I take my shirt off AND am standing still instead of running? 2. Maroon port-a-potty on campus is not the prettiest backdrop for a photo

I made my sister take a photo of me without the port-a-potty background at Mile 18. Gig'em. This picture makes me smile.

A new frontier....I'd never run farther than 20 miles. The 20 mile marker was located within all the Engineering buildings on campus and across the street from the Chemistry building where I attended my first class as a freshman. Yes, I really thought of all of this while I was running and hundreds of other memories in Aggieland.

Mile 22.5, Mom and Dad drove home to pick up my pup Boston (their second trip home, since I wanted pup at the starting line too) and brought pup to this mile marker. My niece toddled over to me and gave me a hug and I nearly died of happiness. Apparently, Gracie had a great time along the marathon course because a lot of the mile markers were near parks and her Aunt Heather made homemade chex mix and other goodies for the marathon fan club. The next time I saw my family and pup was at the finish line. I love this photo, especially how my Mom is following me and waving.

Sight for sore eyes....the last mile marker!

Marathon finisher! So tired and happy, truly a great experience from start to finish. Just like I said, having friends and family to share the experience with made all the difference in the world for me.

Post Marathon

2011-12-11T20:46:00.001-06:00

Today, I finished my first marathon! It was a great day - the weather was perfect, the organizers and volunteers of the race (first marathon on Bryan/College Station) ensured all I had to focus on was putting one foot in front of the other from the starting line to the finish and there were plenty of supporters within the community along the course to cheer me on. I kept my pace, was relaxed and enjoyed the entire race.

Photo of me and pup Boston just after the race:

Highlights and re-cap:

-Up at 5 am. Breakfast, race day uniform on and out the door. In the car, I read through all the notes of support my friends and family sent prior to the race, including comments from my last post. THANK YOU!

-At the starting line by 6:15 am with Mom, Dad, pup Boston and my friends Wendy and Jason who drove down with me from Austin to support me in the race

-Race started at 7 am. Woo-hoo!

-First mile was looong! I kept my pace but the first mile really dragged on.

-Mile 3 or so, my favorite spectator...a guy sitting on a Harley Davidson parked in his driveway...he was wearing a bathrobe. Sitting on a Harley.

-Mile 6, Mom and Dad were at the mile marker to cheer for me. I waved and smiled at anyone who cheered for me along the course, like I was a beauty queen in a parade or a celebrity - it was quite fun! When I saw my family, though, I beamed ear to ear. My ankles started to hurt at mile 6, I expected this though.

-Mile 8, met up with my friends Wendy and Jason and we ran together for a bit

-Mile 10, Mom, Dad, my sister Tasha and youngest niece were there to cheer me on. Mile 10 was dedicated to YOU, bloggers, and I definitely thought of you and all your encouragement through training this Spring, Summer and Fall.

-Mile 11-13 were hard, lots of gradual inclines or hills. I ate a honeycrisp apple, my strategy for replenishing calories along with packets of honey and drinking water every few miles. My quad muscles tightened a bit after the hills - not something I'd experienced in training (tight quads).

-Mile 14: Favorite sign "series" all in a row...likely from the same volunteer with dark humor 1. It could be worse 2. Not dead yet 3. I will not poop my pants! (Lemon Gloria, I thought of you! Poop)

-Mile 15 I got emotional - tearing up but no tears and happy emotion - as the course led me to the campus of Texas A&M University. I graduated 10 years ago but have such fond memories, it seems like yesterday

-Mile 16 I met up with friends Wendy and Jason again and they ran with me to mile 25. In training, I always ran alone but it was immensely helpful to run with them this leg of the race because they have so much experience (3 IronMans) and I was able to stay relaxed and not struggle mentally. Especially after mile 20 since I'd never run farther than 20 miles in my life.

-Mile 18 I saw my parents and sister and niece. I changed shirts, from short sleeve to long sleeve, which was refreshing.

-Mile Running mile 15 - 20.5 through campus was my favorite part of the run. We ran by the George Bush Library, through West Campus were I attended most of my classes as a Business major, by Reed arena (basketball and commencement was held when I graduated) by Kyle Field (football stadium), Heaton Hall (Office of Admissions), the stately Administration building and by the Alumni Center on the Southside.

-Mile 21 I saw my parents, sister and niece and Dad went home to pick up pup Boston. This was the last time I saw my family until the finish. My niece recognized me on the course and ran up to me (she's 22 months old) to give me a hug, so sweet! Pup Boston was more interested on "marking" a street sign than seeing me which was funny.

-Mile 23 I would have been fine stopping here because my leg muscles were tired and the pain in my ankles was great, but I pushed on. I didn't "hit the wall" though at any point in the race - I kept my pace the entire time and according to my friends, my stride was good and I was really relaxed. Unlike training, my shoulders and back didn't hurt at all after mile 18.

-Mile 25 Huge hill/gradual incline. I was not thrilled about this, really the only point in the race I was grumpy. Wendy helped me get back to positive by talking me through one cone at a time as an accomplishment and after 30 cones we were at the top of the hill and I was so close to the finish

-Mile 26, favorite sign: What took you so long? I've been here all day!

-Mile 26.2 When I saw the finish, I started sprinting toward it with a huge smile on my face. Sprinting at this point was only about a 10 minute mile pace. There really is nothing like the feeling of crossing the finish line. I ran a marathon! I love the finisher medal. I loved the entire race - honestly, it was a really great day.

Thank you again for all the positive thoughts and encouragement - it really did make a difference and it made the race really fun to share with friends and family near and far. The marathon dedications I wrote about in my last post really worked for me, I thought of each person or group of people during that mile.

My biggest take-away...trust your training. I had a training plan, I followed it. On race day, I just kept my pace and was able to enjoy the race. I laughed at funny signs and energetic volunteers who made jokes or were so over-the-top excited. I smiled at people along the course. I hugged my family when I saw them on the sidelines of the course. I was so grateful for clear blue skies and sunshine and perfect temperatures - something I feel I earned after training through summer in Austin. All the hard work, was worth it because I crossed the finish line. The marathon was fun and so was the journey getting there.

I'm off to bed now. I'm going to take a couple of weeks off from running but will be hitting the trail soon and plan to start swimming laps again at the Y and can't wait for yoga. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Marathon Week

2011-12-07T09:16:00.001-06:00

I haven't written about marathon training in a while. My race is this Sunday, 11 December 2011 in College Station Texas.

A couple of weeks ago, I completed a 20 mile run which was the longest distance my training plan required. It took me a little over 4 hours, the pain in my ankles was great and my leg muscles were incredibly tired but I was thrilled to get through it successfully. This past weekend I ran 8 miles in cold temperatures and rain which was good practice since the conditions may be the same for the marathon. I hope it doesn't rain on Sunday but if it does I'll just make do. This week I have a long list of errands...get a massage, pack my race gear, got to the grocer, hydratehydratehydrate but physical training is complete.

The mental toughness to bridge the gap between 20 miles and 26.2 miles will be a challenge on race day. But I'm up for the challenge, excited about the marathon and really hopeful I finish. My parents, pup Boston, sister and two close friends will be along the course to cheer me on and hopefully lots of members of the community and race volunteers, too.

Marathon training has been a long journey. This summer brought a drought and temperatures above 100 degrees, so I had to get up before sunrise to run or else die on the trail. I joined a running group for weekly workouts on the track. I hadn't sprinted any distance in years and after a few months with this group, 800 meter circuits aren't so bad. There's a great community of runners in Austin who smile, wave or give you a high-five on the trail. Since January, I've settled into a routine of running several times a week and a long run on the weekend. I enjoy the time on the trail and I love having a running routine.

During the last leg of this journey, completing the marathon itself, I am dedicating a mile to friends and family who have encouraged or inspired me along the way. Also, at my pace, it will take 5+ hours to finish the race and I need something to think about on the course besides the pain in my ankles or legs.

Mile 10 is dedicated to YOU, virtual friends, who are wonderful writers, genuine, bright, hilarious and incredibly kind. So please send positive thoughts my way the day of the race between 7 am and 1 pm. If you'd like to send something positive my way between now and race day, post a comment and I'll carry it with me in my heart and mind during the marathon.

I appreciate your support in recent months and for reading my little blog. I'll try to post about the race Sunday evening. Thanks again for your encouragement!

Outtakes

2011-12-03T17:02:00.001-06:00

This morning, I took a holiday card portrait for some friends. I was hoping to take the photos outside at scenic Brushy Creek but the weather in Austin this weekend is foggy with drizzling rain. My favorite subject was the three-year-old little boy, his eyes sparkled under the lights of the Christmas tree and it's fun to think of how magical Christmas can be at that age.

Since the camera, tripod and flash were already set-up, I took a few photos of me and Boston using the auto-timer setting. Here are the outtakes.

The scene....living room of my home. I don't have a Christmas tree this year, but I did decorate the mantle and hung stockings for me and pup. It doesn't look like I decorated for the holidays at all in the photos. Hmm.

Boston is reluctant to look at the camera. Perhaps because I just put the reindeer antler headband on his head.

Boston....still reluctant to face the camera....even with the reindeer antlers off and placed on the stool

Boston's pitiful expression doesn't read "Happy Holidays". I didn't have time to look "natural" since I'm basically holding pup in place.

Boston's smile has returned but my head doesn't fit in the frame

I tried a different pose...sitting on the stool. Boston's given up resisting the reindeer antlers.

I didn't like the stool. Boston is totally over the antlers. I'm not wearing socks, because I wasn't planning to take these photos and didn't think twice about my socks showing in the photo.

Scene 2...on the couch. Boston doesn't want his photo taken anymore so he burrows under me. This scene really doesn't read "Happy Holidays" to me.

Boston finally looking at the camera. Such a sweet pup.

And the photo I chose for the Christmas card.....not my best work but honeybadger don't care. Sorry, I'm watching the SEC championship game right now and just heard that phrase so it's on my mind. I'm not a honeybadger. Neither is Boston.

Happy weekend! Happy holidays!

Squads Left! Squads Right!

2011-11-21T13:40:00.001-06:00

On Friday night, I went dancing at the Broken Spoke with some friends. The Broken Spoke is a legendary Texas Dance Hall near downtown Austin. The music was great and there was plenty of laughter and people watching - all together a fun evening. I think I made a new girlfriend! This is so exciting! It's harder to make new friends than to meet boys/potential suitors. Actually both are hard once you're in your 30's. Friendships with girls are more likely to last than a relationship with a guy so I tend to get more excited about such things. Shopping and wine tours in Fredericksburg are in the future with my new friend. The only problem is a lot of the new friends I've made live in South Austin - so it's a challenge to meet for dinner or Happy Hour or hang out spur of the moment since I live in Northwest Austin.

On Saturday, I drove to College Station to go to an A&M football game with my Dad. My Dad is class of '65 and he and my Mom have been going to games for decades. At the beginning of the season, I asked Mom if I could have her ticket for one of the games and she gladly granted the request. I grew up going to games with my siblings, parents and grandparents. My sister and I both attended A&M and went to games together - I was so grateful to sit with her, a Senior, rather than my freshman classmates on the Third Deck (the stadium holds 86K and students pull tickets in order by class, so fish are seated/standing up in the clouds). Kyle field and the Aggie fans offer a fantastic atmosphere for a football game. I love football and my university, especially all the traditions like the 12th Man, Yells/Yell Leaders and Aggie Band. The title of this post if from my favorite Aggie yell called Military. It was great to be back in Aggieland and spend the day with my Dad whose footsteps I followed to Texas A&M. A&M is known for instilling the values of loyalty, integrity and tradition into the student body - something that wasn't new to me growing up in my parents home.

I should also mention the Aggies won the game easily, so Dad's cursing was minimal. Here's a photo of Dad and I saying "Gig'em" at Kyle field and re-cap of the conversations / texts between my Dad and I which make me giggle. I sent the conversation to my sister and she's still laughing about it too.

Dad: I'm looking forward to having you at the game. I will try to meet your Mother's expectations!!
Me: What's Mom's quota on cursing? Lol
Dad: She is usually unhappy with my performance

Me: Do you know a place to watch the Texas A&M vs Texas game on Thanksgiving Day? Will the [legendary bar across the street from campus] Dixie Chicken be open?
Dad: What about watching the game at The Keg?
Me: You mean The Tap? Lol

The Keg....there's no such place. There is, however, a bar called The Tap in College Station, which my sister and I went to a lot in college.

Happy Thanksgiving!

All the Single Ladies

2011-11-09T11:42:00.001-06:00

I'm a single lady, a category I'm settling into. My time is my own for the most part - which can be lonely but is mostly fun by finding something interesting or positive to devote my time and energy to. And there's potential to fall in love and that's exciting. Most of the anxiety I have is shared by all the other women or humans out there, something I try to keep in mind when I'm stressed. Here are a few differences I've noticed between my life as a "smug married" and "singleton" (to quote Bridget Jones).

Communication

Texting is a necessity (as far as I can tell) for meeting up with girlfriends and dating. Prior to being single, texting was much less frequent and topics included grocery items or the dog.
My friends call me a lot more. I have two friends who have brought me up to speed on dating - one of my oldest girlfriends who lives here in ATX and a man's perspective from a good friend of mine in Atlanta.
I flirt. I do not flirt at work by any means but am otherwise mostly unaware when I'm flirting. Like this weekend at a football watch party:

Guy I just met who is from Louisiana: Where are you from, where did you go to school?
Me: Houston. Texas A&M.
LSU scores a field goal late in the game. Cheering (and cursing) follows from majority of people in the room.
Me: You know, at A&M, when your team scores, you score. You kiss your date when the Aggies score. We even practice this the night before at Midnight Yell Practice.
Guy I just met who is from Louisiana: I've always respected all the traditions at A&M but now I completely regret going to LSU. I should have gone to A&M and asked you to an A&M game or Yell Practice, did you say?

Vanity

I wear mascara to the grocer. I wear mascara a lot more than I used to.
There's a line item in my budget for clothes that used to be allocated to "household furnishings". I buy clothes for specific events - a date or fun social occasion while I used to mainly shop seasonally.
It's possible one of the reasons I have kept to a regular exercise routine is self-preservation. I mean, I could die alone so it's important / a motivating factor to prolong that event from occurring by staying healthy, no?
I walk downstairs in my underwear a lot more than I used to. I haven't yet walked through the house naked but I totally could since I live alone.

Information

I read "Shape" and "Cosmo" magazines, mainly on airplanes rather than subscribing (such a commitment, magazine subscriptions). I still receive House Beautiful but it is less relevant because I have less money to spend on furniture or decor and would rather travel anyway. I read the restaurant reviews in Bon Apetite first and even though I still host parties, grand menus are less interesting since there is no such thing as a romantic dinner for one.
I listen to NPR every morning and watch 60 minutes a lot more. I've always followed the news but now there's no one to "fill me in" in the evening if I miss the headlines that day or week. I subscribed to a few public blogs earlier this year - it's not that I didn't seek information before, it's just I have more time now to cover more ground and fill my head with ideas and information.
I'm much more aware of events, fun things to do and things going on the community. I used to read the Austin Chronicle but now it seems I hear about things from multiple sources.

Food

I eat cereal for dinner a lot. Scrambled eggs with salsa is my go-to "hot meal". I can also make a meal out of a single avocado.
I eat a lot more meals out of bowls rather than on a plate. I bought a pack of multi-colored plastic bowls (for kids) at IKEA this summer and they are constantly rotating through the dishwasher because these bowls are the perfect serving size for veggies or sides. A lot of the time, I eat side dishes or veggies on the side of nothing....no entree.
I drink a gallon of milk a week. By myself. Had no idea I drank so much milk until there was no one else drinking it.

A-List

2011-11-07T16:18:00.000-06:00

Kris (aka The Wino) recently posted a list of her Top Favorite Characters of All Time in Television and Film. Her blog is the first one I began reading 5+ years ago and she's incredibly funny and a gifted writer. Since I love movies and lists in equal abundance, I was inspired to create a list of my favorite characters. Like Kris, my list is not based on critical acclaim a show or performance received rather the stories and characters I know and love. Characters likely lean toward the romantic, a few are practical and others are bad asses. I've watched several have their life fall apart or heart broken and nearly all of these characters have made me laugh until I cried.

Here's my list, in no particular order (except Scarlett, Atticus, CJ and Dr. Mark Greene at the top). Some iconic characters have been played by more than one actor so I selected my favorite story line or portrayal of the character.

In Film:
Scarlett O'Hara, played by Vivien Leigh in Gone With the Wind
Atticus Finch, played by Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird
Spike, played by Ryhs Ifans in Notting Hill
Meredith Morton, played by Sarah Jessica Parker in The Family Stone
James Bond, played by Daniel Craig in Quantum of Solace
Princess Ann, played by Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday
Maria Von Trapp, played by Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music
V, played by Hugo Weaving in V for Vendetta
Amelie, played by Audrey Tautou in Amelie
Captain John H. Miller, played by Tom Hanks in Saving Private Ryan
Pollyanna, played by Hayley Mills in Pollyanna
Indiana Jones, played by Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader, played by David Prowse, James Earl Jones (voice), Hayden Christensen and Jake Lloyd in the Star Wars series
Daniel, played by Liam Neeson in Love Actually
Bridget Jones, played by Renee Zellweger in Bridget Jones
Mark Darcy, played by Colin Firth in Bridget Jones
Mona Lisa Vito, played by Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny
Jack Ryan, played by Alec Baldwin in Hunt for Red October
Peter Parker, played by Toby Maguire in Spiderman

TV:
Claudia Jean "CJ" Cregg, played by Allison Janney in The West Wing
Dr. Mark Greene, played by Anthony Edwards in ER
Josh Lyman, played by Bradley Whitford in The West Wing
Dr. Gregory House, played by Hugh Laurie in House M.D.
Benjamin Linus, played by Michael Emerson in Lost
Dr. Jack Shepard, played by Matthew Fox in Lost
Theodore "Theo" Huxtable, played by Malcolm-Jamal Warner in The Cosby Show
Rudy Huxtable, played by Keisha Knight Pulliam in The Cosby Show
Don Draper, played by Jon Hamm in Mad Men
Carol Hathaway, played by Julianna Margulies in ER
Coach Eric Taylor, played by Kyle Chandler in Friday Night Lights
Tami Taylor, played by Connie Britton in Friday Night Lights
Matt Saracen, played by Zach Gilford in Friday Night Lights
Carrie Bradshaw, played by Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City
Nancy Botwin, played by Mary-Louise Parker in Weeds

A new day

2011-11-04T09:29:00.000-06:00

Whew. I woke up this morning and snuggled in a bed under the covers a few minutes because it's cold out and I didn't turn on the heater but also because I am so glad to have yesterday and the past year behind me. One of my closest friends planned a Happy Hour last night and the timing was perfect to hang with some girls downtown and talk over some red wine. Honestly, I might have come home and cried if I hadn't gone out - I'll never know and it's okay to cry but more fun to laugh and enjoy time with friends. I'm so relieved to have the past year behind me, today feels like a new beginning and it's refreshing. Thank you for reading and sending positive thoughts my way, it helps and means a great deal to me.

So, marathon training presents a HUGE challenge tomorrow. 18 miles. Eeek! I'm up for the challenge and if I make it - when I make it! - I think I'll officially be ready for the marathon which is about 6 weeks away. The weather is prime for a long run and OMG I learned that a LuLuLemon store opened at the Domain just a few short miles from the house and my office. So, I'm going by there today to get a long-sleeve shirt for my long run tomorrow. Happy trails, enjoy this Fall weekend!

Year One

2011-11-03T13:51:00.003-06:00

Today's post is sad. With hints of hope.

A year ago today, I came home from work and my husband of 6 years announced he was unhappy and leaving. Thirty minutes later, he left our home. A month later, he filed for divorce. Three months later, the marriage was over.

It was just a Wednesday. Marriages don't end on Wednesdays. Marriages don't end quietly and without warning. Before that Wednesday, there was no change in his behavior or signs of unhappiness or arguing between the two of us over finances or toilet paper. People don't just wake-up and decide they want a different life for themselves. Families stick together. Love keeps people together.

I was wrong. All of those things are possible, they happened to me. In my wildest imagination, I didn't think a marriage could end in this way or the person I chose as a partner would abandon me.

This realization was the first step in processing what happened: The person I loved, supported and trusted no longer exists. The person who proposed marriage and took vows is not the same person as the one who walks out and files for divorce. The life you share and your family no longer exists.

This realization may seem immediately obvious to everyone but it took months for me to accept. The sadness was consuming and the huge void seemed impossible to fill. I read Joan Dideon's "The Year of Magical Thinking" twice in the last 12 months. She writes: Recognizing a thought is irrational does not prevent the thought from occurring again. I related to this because an event impacted everything in my life and my mind couldn't keep up with the changes so I remained in a world that no longer existed.

I remained functional - going to work everyday, paying the bills and caring for my pup Boston. I leaned on friends and family for support. I went to counseling. I made a list of novels to read, events to attend, began volunteering and training for a half and full marathon. This was progress, a way of accepting a new reality and figuring out how to adjust. I never lost sight of the fact that I'm accountable for my choices in life and happiness.

Then another difficult realization surfaced: The life I want for myself may not be possible. I'm on the wrong path and life will continue to be difficult until I make corrections. Reading The Alchemist this year was difficult for me because the message from the book is that faith, listening to one's instincts and following the path the Universe has laid out for you leads to happiness, fulfillment and good things. This wasn't a new message for me, it's a hopeful message which resulted in pain for me because I lack faith right now. As humans, we approach difficult times in life with optimism. Our mind's ability to time travel to a "happier or better place" where "everything is okay" is something that sets us apart from other living things. Loved ones contributed to my optimism, proposing I will find love again and stating that I deserve to have everything I want in life (namely children, since my former spouse did not want to have children with me).

In the waves of sadness that come and go with grief or a difficult transition, I ask myself: Is deep sadness and loss of faith what I deserve? No, so I must be on the wrong path.

I haven't lost faith in people, I believe in love and that people are good. I am just not sure I have the strength, wisdom or capacity in my heart to believe good things will happen to me or, specifically, that I'll have a family of my own.

Perhaps it's too great of a leap for my mind to make. So, I'll just have to take smaller steps.

Game on

2011-11-01T14:38:00.000-06:00

If this weekend had been an exam in Flirting, well, I earned an F. Fail. Let me explain.

On Saturday, I went to the golf driving range with a girlfriend. After an hour or so at the range, we decided to go for lunch. My friend suggested I give our extra bucket of golf balls to the gentleman behind me. I hadn't spoken or made eye contact with him but from inherent observation I knew he had a really nice golf swing. I also assumed he was cool, because my friend and I had been chatting quietly and he didn't seem bothered. This range is part of the golf course in our neighborhood so talking could be frowned upon.

I turned to him and said "Excuse me, Sir? Would you like this extra basket of golf balls? My friend and I are hungry and are ready to go." He smiled, said Thank you and we exchanged pleasant greetings as I handed the basket to him. It was at that moment I realized how handsome this guy was and that he had a British accent. I picked up my golf bag and walked off with my friend.

In the parking lot, my friend said "Excuse me, SIR? What was that?! He was hot and had a sexy accent, calling him Sir is not a good move." She shook her head in disappointment in how I mishandled this encounter with a handsome man. I told her a heads up would have been nice because honestly I didn't know she was encouraging me to talk to him specifically. I wasn't in the mindset to flirt. My stomach was growling and I was hanging out with a friend not looking to meet a guy.

Apparently, I need to always be on top of my game.

Later that evening, I went to a Halloween party. I went alone and had briefly met one or two other people attending (other than the hosts, a colleague of mine and his wife). Most of the people attending were married, there were a couple of single girls and guys. It was a costume party, I wore a neon pink wig and regular clothes. When people asked about my costume, I said it was Mod Squad even though it was really just a cute dress and everyone accepted Mod Squad with a smile. I mingled. I talked to a group of girls who came together and were friends. I find it hard to talk to a group of people who are already friends. Also, one of the girls had just gotten married and they had all attended so there was a lot of reminiscing about the big day. I ended up talking to their husbands, because we work at the same company but not in the same group and I had things in common with them. Guys don't form cliques, either, like girls do. There was a football game on and coincidentally I knew more about football than the husbands did. For example, I was asked, buy a guy wearing a Big Bird costume: Why is Stanford playing South Carolina? My response to Big Bird: USC is University of Southern California not South Carolina.

So, there was a cute single guy at the party. I spoke with him a couple of times. His costume was Van Gogh, my absolute favorite Artist, so I commented on that. He sort of put his arm around me a couple of times, as he was leaving to refill a drink or chat with friends he came with. So, a couple of hours into the party, I was sitting in the dining room and he looked at me from the living room. Remembering the golf range incident from earlier that afternoon, I tried to hold his gaze and smile. But, overall, I didn't do a very good job of flirting with him. I wish I had asked him what he was doing after the party. I didn't because he came with a group of people. I didn't seek him out much at all because it wasn't until the next day that I realized, hey, he was really cute and interesting and out of all the really fun and cool people I met, he remained on my mind. I had a great time at the party.

So, I wasn't "on" this weekend. It's a little exhausting, being single - to be honest - and impossible to be "on" all the time.

Odds and ends

2011-10-27T14:58:00.004-05:00

A few months ago, I conducted a search for some new blogs to read and subscribed to a few "public" blogs (on personal finance, economics and design/inspiration). I like reading "private" blogs written by an individual about their life but Coolhunting.com is by far my favorite new read in the public blog category. Come to think of it, I guess it wasn't hard to beat out personal finance or economics to become a favorite. Anyway, Coolhunting or CH is "synonomous with seeking innovation". I love to read novels, the news or blogs because it makes me stop and think and open my mind and heart to the world. Content on CH ranges from books on art history to an Aston Martin race course and at first glance, it seems like a blog of just "stuff" that isn't all that practical such as $1700 wooden glasses. I like the common thread of creativity and that the authors, inventors or designers featured on the site are all passionate about their craft.

Game 6 of the World Series was postponed from yesterday to today due to inclement weather. Speaking of inclement weather, the same front that delayed the game should bring rain and a 20 degree drop in temperature to Austin - yay! Anyway, I love watching baseball live and always watch the Fall Classic on TV. I grew up in Houston so I'm not really a Rangers fan but I am cheering for the team from Texas (I'm also a Red Sox fan because my dog's name is Boston and he's named Boston because he has a red coat, like Red Sox, and I adore Fenway Park - it's such a special place). The Project Runway finale is tonight. It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown also aires this evening. I don't have DVr so all three programs on at once presents a problem. I think I'm going to watch the baseball game, hope Project Runway is re-played and I can stay awake (or watch on-line this weekend) and buy the Charlie Brown DVD since it's a classic (I already have the Christmas DVD and watch it annually while wrapping gifts or decking the halls).

The pumpkin carving party last week was a success. I took pup Boston to a pumpkin patch to pick out our pumpkin which was fun. Once the party was underway, I learned my friends are really talented pumpkin carvers! I carved a simple, happy, jack-o-lantern and was happy with it. I'd heard pumpkin carving is messy but I had no idea - I didn't like the prep stage of pulling out all the gunk in the pumpkin. My friend who is an artist really went all out: she drew a portrait of one of the guests by hand, stenciled it onto the pumpkin then carved the portrait and the end result was amazing (3rd from the left in the photo below, it looked better in person). There was also a haunted house, spooky cat, headless horseman - lots of intricate and cool carvings. There were lots of compliments on the food - especially the pot pies - and everyone had a great time. One of the girls brought a homemade pumpkin pie so there was a candle and singing of "Happy Birthday" - which was very sweet and I even made a wish.

Thirty-three

2011-10-20T13:16:00.003-05:00

My birthday is this weekend. I'm hosting a pumpkin carving and dinner party for a few friends to celebrate. I'm excited about the change of season after the long, hot summer with drought and wildfires and look forward to entertaining friends. In my 30+ years on Earth, I've never carved a pumpkin which is strange because Fall is my favorite season and carving pumpkins is such a popular activity of the season. The party menu consists of chicken pot pies, cornbread stuffing, apple crisp for dessert and a couple of cranberry cocktails and punch - all homemade of course. If you're reading this and in Austin this weekend....let me know because you're more than welcome to come to the party!

The marathon training schedule calls for 16 miles this weekend. I'm pumped - I ran 14.7 last weekend which is the farthest I've ever run before and now I want to prove to myself I can go the distance again plus one mile. The weather has been beautiful in Austin this week, clear skies (of course - it's rained once in 4 months) and highs in the 70's. I mention the weather because when I'm running and my ankles, joints or shoulders start to hurt, I tell myself: "Isn't it great to be outside! In the fresh air and sunshine! I am so happy to be healthy and out here running in the great outdoors!"

It's sort of a load of crap, but it works. On the trail, I also think of all the support from friends or family - so thank you for your continued encouragement.

I have dreaded my 33rd birthday for years because 3 has not been a good number for me in life. For example: yesterday was 3 days before my 33rd birthday and my refrigerator went out which presented a challenge to hosting a party this weekend. The refrigerator repair was $303.30.

I don't want to sound irrational by focusing on an unlucky number because perhaps there is no such thing. What is really on my mind is the difference between my birthday last year and this year. Last year, I spent my birthday with my entire family celebrating with my Mom whose birthday is the day after mine. It was a happy day but those memories are tainted now because Luke walked out on me without warning just a few days later. That day turned out to be the last time my family will see Luke. Ever. Going through a divorce this past year has been a state of constant uncertainty, waves of sadness and a struggle not to lose myself (or my house and job in the process). I'm still feeling the impact of this event that has altered my thinking and perspective. This year on my birthday, I am on my own. I hope it is a good year, I believe it will be. If it's harder than the last year has been, well, I have built up a lot of strength so bring it on.

Really, though, laughter, happiness and maybe even love would be nice this year.

Friday Night Lights

2011-10-17T16:59:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend I became obsessed with Season One of Friday Night Lights, the TV show that premiered 5 years ago and concluded over the summer.

This has happened to me before....I'll read about a critically acclaimed show or one of my sisters or friends urges me to watch their favorite show but I never get around to it. Then I rent or buy a season and get sucked into some sort of TV black hole, consuming seasons of Lost, Sex and the City and Weeds in days not years.

On Friday night, I ran some errands after work then went home and settled on the couch to relax. I wanted to get a good night of sleep because my plans for Saturday consisted of a 15 mile run and 7 hour round-trip drive to Dallas for a baby shower. I opened all the windows in the house to let in the cool, fresh air and began watching the Pilot episode of Friday Night Lights. At the same time, high school football games across Texas kicked-off including Westwood versus McNeil at the district stadium 1.5 miles from my house. From the second floor window of my den, I could see stadium lights and hear faint cheers and the band from the stadium. This made me smile.

I knew this show was filmed in Austin and based on a novel about Permian high school in Odessa, Texas. But I wasn't prepared for the wave of nostalgia that washed over me as I watched the episodes. I didn't grow up in a small town where "football is everything" but Texans love football and I'm no exception. My older brother played high school football and two of my sisters were in the dance program so my family went to the football stadium every Friday night when I was a kid.

My favorite aspect of the show is the camera work. The camera operators seem to have as much freedom as the actors to capture the emotion and plot and do an phenomenal job of capturing the best angles. The camera is a little shaky at times and the overall effect is more realistic than a TV show filmed on a sound stage. I think the cast of Friday Night Lights is great, especially Kyle Chandler as the head coach and Connie Britton who plays his wife and the school guidance counselor. The scenes between these characters as parents are really touching and my favorite character is Matt Saracen, played by Zach Gilford, who is the underdog on the football field and a hero at home for caring for his Grandmother. The show is dramatic, funny and just really well done. I can't wait to get through all five seasons.

After the storm

2011-10-10T09:17:00.001-05:00

The good news: It rained in Austin this weekend. Not just a sprinkle, a real Texas thunderstorm with lightening and 2 days of rain. It hasn't rained at my house in 4 months and this summer was the hottest in 100 years or something. It will take a while to recover from the drought but this was progress and everyone in Austin welcomed the rain.

The bad news: The half-marathon I was registered for was cancelled due to the rain and lightening. I woke up at 5 am Sunday morning ready for the race. I heard the downpour of rain outside and thought "Okay. It's raining. It will be good experience to run in the rain. And it won't be hot." It took me an hour to get to the race and at 6:30, 30 minutes before the start, the race was cancelled. No refunds. No re-scheduling. No chocolate. No champagne. No race experience before the marathon I'm running in December.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was looking forward to this race and hoped to gain some momentum to carry me through a 15 mile run this Saturday. The worst thing about the race being cancelled was I'd have to run 13 miles on my own on Sunday evening, after the storm passed and my shift volunteering at the hospital until 5 pm. I failed, running 6.5 miles on the Austin Town Lake trail Sunday evening instead of 13. At mile 6.5, I was going to walk for a few minutes but realized I was just too tired to continue running. I was upset, my eyes welled with tears and throat closed. I was on a 10 mile route and had to walk the last 3.5 miles back to the car. A walk of shame, down Congress in the heart of downtown with people all around. The last mile, I walked in the dark on the trail.

So, this was a set back in marathon training. I shed a few tears and am going to try again this week and hope it goes well. I am happy it rained, I just wish I had a good run yesterday afternoon. It didn't work out.

Last Thursday, I had a really vivid and strange dream. I won't go into the details other than to mention a guy I dated appeared in the dream. The dream wasn't about him, he was just in the dream. In real life, he and I weren't in a relationship but he's not just a guy I dated, he's the first person I've really cared about since my marriage ended. There was potential and hope because we had a lot in common and got along well. I still care about him so there's been a lot of effort to put him out of my mind in recent weeks. I was angry he appeared in my dream.

I mention the dream because on Friday, I went downtown to run after work. I have been running at the trail by my house and haven't run downtown in a couple of months. Also, I brought pup Boston with me. Boston and I started out on the trail and a 1/4 mile along pup had to go to the bathroom. So, pup went to the bathroom then we walked back to the start to the trashcan.

And there was the guy I dated. I couldn't believe it. First the dream, now he just appeared out of thin air.

He was in his car parking in the lot near the ped bridge, on the south side of the river. So I didn't speak to him or wave hello. I'm not sure if he saw me. I had started running again so I just kept going. What would I say to him? He said he would call, he didn't. The last time I saw him, we had this in-depth conversation and he reached out across the table and held my hand. The last time I spoke to him, I gave him every opportunity to say he didn't want to see me anymore. He didn't take it. In fact, his response was to insist he's not seeing anyone else just busy with work and went on about all the things he likes about me. He said he would contact me soon. I don't know if it would have been easier if this guy would have just been straight with me but I absolutely expect honesty from people. Honesty, at a minimum.

I was angry about the dream and the actual encounter. Why did I need to run into him? It only caused pain. I've run into Luke, my former spouse, on the trail before too. Twice, actually. So I was bound to run into this guy too, because we both run at the trail downtown. But the likeliness of us being at the same spot on the 10 mile trail at the same time is slim.

So yeah, this weekend was a little rough emotionally and physically. But the rain has cleared and the sun is supposed to come out this afternoon.

One of the great things about Austin is there is plenty of sunshine.

Crunch time

2011-10-07T12:02:00.004-05:00

This week marks the half-way mark in my marathon training. The race is 9 weeks away. On October 15th, the training schedule requires me to run 15 miles. I've never run 15 miles before. Training is going well but I'm starting to get a little nervous. Can I really do this?

The next 3 weeks are critical in preparing for the marathon and ensuring, yes, I can do this race. I'm running the See Jane Run half-marathon this Sunday in Austin. The distance isn't daunting, I've run 13 miles a couple of times in recent weeks. It will be good experience to be in a race setting, get used to having other runners around me and utilize water stops. Guys are welcome to participate in this race but the awards will be handed out only to women (not that I am competing for an award). It will be fun to run in a field of mostly women. See Jane Run race organizers offer champagne and chocolate at the finish line which I think is a grand idea.

I'm hoping the race this weekend will give me a confidence boost and the momentum will carry me through training over the next couple of months.

Automagically

2011-09-30T16:56:00.000-05:00

On a conference call earlier today, a colleague used the combined word "automagically" to describe a function in Excel. I love this word Automagically.

All week, relevant information has automagically unfolded for me and just in time. Or perhaps I'm just really open and seeking out new sources of information and the effort is seamless. I have been out of alignment for a long time and so some indication that maybe, just maybe, I'm on the right track is a relief.

First, I was in need of inspiration and laughter (like so many of us often are). Photographer Linda Conner delivered both. Last night I attended a photography lecture organized by the Austin Center for Photography at the Blanton museum and Linda Conner presented a stunning portion of her body of work. She's traveled the world as a photographer and teaches in San Francisco. I've seen her work at MoMA in NY, she's the first well-known photographer I've met in person. I was completely in awe of her perspective and talent as a photographer. Her candor had the entire audience laughing, especially when sharing that she's had her share of self-doubt and self-loathing regarding her work.

In the Tulsa airport on Sunday, I browsed the wall of magazines and chose "Martha Stewart Living". As a single lady, I probably should have picked up Cosmo but I was tired and my main criteria was "Does the magazine have photos I can look at which require little to no brain power". The October issue featured photos of pumpkins and pot pies. This led to an idea for me to host a dinner party in October - the menu will consist of pot pies and pumpkin cocktails and my friends and I will decorate pumpkins. After a long hot summer in Austin, this is a great idea for a party, right?

The last couple of months, I've been stressed about finances (again, like so many of us often are). Money troubles are a potential breaking-point for me, I'm very methodical and financial security is a priority. I'm practical and usually level-headed about managing the household. But the source of the problem is fear. Fear of losing my job. I feel a great deal of uncertainty on whether to sell the house or not. I imagine myself without a job and homeless. A couple of months ago, I started reading Get Rich Slowly, a personal finance blog. Today's post, Overcoming Uncertainty, was just what the doctor ordered. I still have a lot of things to decide and figure out financially but this post was a boost of confidence to face the issues rather than submit to emotion and fear.

So, various sources have brought laughter, inspiration, a dinner-party idea and confidence into my heart and mind this week. Automagically.

The Show

2011-09-27T15:11:00.000-05:00

I was in Tulsa this weekend visiting my best friend from high school, Canaan (the two of us make-up half of the group that went to Vancouver this summer) and her family. It was my last trip of the year and last day of vacation except the mandatory holiday shut down one week in December. One of the best things about this year has been the opportunity to spend so much time with friends creating new memories.

Our adventures in Tulsa included:
-Time at home with Canaan's family, most notably her two year old daughter who is so sweet and never short on energy. I recall lots of hopping in the living room with Mickey and Minnie mouse - adorable. There was a lot of time spent in the living room with Canaan, her husband, their pup and cat just relaxing, talking and watching TV show premieres and college football.
-We took a leisure walk in the neighborhood and visited with their neighbors, friends who live around the corner. The weather was cool, beautiful and seasonal - a nice break from 102 in Austin.
-We took a trip to the park and there was a lot of climbing, sliding, swinging and laughter on the playground
-I went for a 9 mile run along the trail in Tulsa which follows the Arkansas river. The weather was perfect for a run and it's a great trail. The last time I was on this trail was in high school with Canaan and we were on roller-blades.
-Brunch at the Wild Fork in Uttica Square. No time for shopping but brunch was delicious and meeting up with friends was fun. Canaan and I have been friends a long time and she has a great group of friends from college or work that I've also gotten to know over the years. Brunch with the girls - love, love.
-Canaan, her Mom and I went to see Moneyball, the new Brad Pitt movie. The movie was excellent. Canaan and I both loved a song in the film called "The Show" (lyrics below, written by Lenka. Performed by young actress Kerris Dorsey in the movie). The lyrics rung true for me - let it go, just enjoy the show. I love baseball and the movie is well done - definitely recommend.
-On the way to the airport, Canaan and I had lunch on the patio at Cosmo's in trendy Brookside. Delicious and a great end to a lovely weekend

The Show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot to be something I'm not
I'm a fool out of love 'cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the signs and synchronize in time
It's a joke nobody knows, they've got a ticket to the show

Yeah, I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show, just enjoy the show

Dum dee dum, da dum dee dum
Dum dee dum, da dum dee dum

I want my money back, I want my money back
I want my money back, just enjoy the show
I want my money back, I want my money back
I want my money back, just enjoy the show

Austin City Limits Music Festival 2011

2011-09-20T09:08:00.004-05:00

The Austin City Limits Music Festival was this past weekend. For 10 years, the 3 day live music festival held at Zilker Park, in the heart of downtown and bordered by Town Lake (Lady Bird Lake), has become an integral part of Austin's live music scene. This year's headliners were Coldplay, Kanye, Arcade of Fire and Stevie Wonder.

This was my first year going to ACL, I had a one day pass for Sunday. In preparation for 12 hours under the sun, roaming the acres of Zilker with 100,000 people and fair food, I changed my long from Saturday morning to Friday evening. I think it was worth it, but man, running 12 miles after working all day was not easy start to the weekend. Once Sunday rolled around, I could hardly contain my excitement and went for a run at Brushy Creek with pup in the morning. I wanted Boston to have a great Sunday too, and he loves nothing more than running and a swim in the creek and laying on the cool rockbed.

ACL exceeded all my expectations - the music was amazing, walking through Zilker with the city skyline as a backdrop was cool and it was fun to meet up with my best friend Megan and a group of people to kick-back, relax and enjoy.

Oh. And I ate. A lot. Of fair food. Food I would never indulge in outside of an outdoor music festival so it was a delicious endeavor. For lunch I had Mighty Cone - a thin piece of fried chicken breast with coleslaw, wrapped in a tortilla and served in a paper cone. Genius. Next was chocolate chip cookies from Austin's famous Tiff Treats, very gooey and served warm. I don't drink beer but I had plenty of refreshments - two 12 oz. blueberry lemonades, a cherry snow-cone and a Maine Root Beer. That covered lunch and snacks until dinner - a fried avocado taco from Torchy's. I think my tab ran about $40.

The ACL 2011 application on my iPhone made it easy to view the schedule, create a line-up (below) and view all the stages on the map. I even picked up an iTunes card with a selection of songs from artists at ACL - so I can keep on listening.

Ruby Jane

Seth Walker

The Greencards

The Head and The Heart

Awolnation

Ryan Bingham and the Dead Horses. One of my favorite shows.

Jack Ingram

Hayes Carll. My favorite, loved the stories in between songs. And he's a local.

Arcade Fire

All around, Sunday was a wonderful and really fun day in Austin at ACL.

Photos: Blueberry lemonade and cherry snowcone and me and my bestie Megan after a set by The Head and The Heart at the Google+ stage

Now and Then

2011-09-19T10:40:00.007-05:00

2011 marks 10 years since I graduated from college in May and moved to Austin in August. When the tragedy of September 11th 2001 occurred, I didn't have cable service set-up at my apartment yet - or a TV for that matter - and missed all the news reports and images on TV. Ten years later, the internet has replaced TV as the main outlet for news and information.

As a recent college graduate in 2001, I didn't have a cell phone or own a car. I rented a 750 square foot apartment, was a size 8 and in year 4 of a relationship with my college sweetheart. I didn't have a pet, I was an Aunt to 5 nieces and nephews.

A lot has changed in the past 10 years. I have an iPhone which is a phone, weather report, map, source of music, clock, calendar, notebook, compass, camera, bank and hand-held computer (email, internet) among other things. A few years ago, I paid off the loan on my first car, a practical Toyota Camry, and mortgage a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath, 2700 square foot home in the suburbs which I share with my Golden Retriever, affectionately known as Pup Boston. I'm single, divorced (less than a year) from my college sweetheart. I'm a size 8, after falling into a running routine and losing a bit of weight. I have a retirement savings account, 10 years experience as an I/T professional and dedicate a lot of my time to photography. I have 10 nieces and nephews but no children of my own. The majority of friendships which enriched my life in 2001 continue to do so today. My father is in remission from lymphoma. In the last decade I have experienced personal loss - the end of my marriage obviously but also my last living grandparent, Gramma Books who lived to be 101.

I wonder what the next 10 years will bring.

Read all about it

2011-09-13T10:15:00.008-05:00

I finished reading The Alchemist, an allegory about fulfilling one's dream. I'm a dreamer, romantic and realist so I was excited to engage in this story. At first I was enamored by the simple, powerful passages in the book and the main character's self-reliant, inquisitive, resourceful and resilient nature. Then my eyes began to glaze over the quotable text and symbolism because I wanted dialog and plot that was real. I'm glad I read The Alchemist, it's a beautifully written classic with a good and inspiring message. But I had a hard time getting through the book even though it was only 170 pages or so.

I also struggled with the author's idea that Love is an entirely positive force that lifts you up to your dreams. This hasn't been my experience.

Love can lead to a lot of pain and sacrifice. For example a parent's love for a child is instinctive, unbound and some would say almost entirely about sacrifice. That's the way love goes.

Never in my life have I doubted love so I was shocked at my negative thoughts about the heart while reading The Alchemist. The author's ideas about love caused pangs of pain to shoot through my heart. After the events in my life in the last year and reality that I am alone, I am not willing to accept the idea that my dreams will be unfulfilled without love. This wasn't explicitly stated in the text only my interpretation. I agree that with love comes understanding - if you love someone, you accept them for who they are and are willing to support their dreams.

What if I never find love? What if I've already experienced love and lost it and therefore, my dreams are also lost?

It's terrifying to think about. Reading the book forced me to do so and it was an entirely unsettling experience.

I've read that those who have experienced love are more likely to find love again. The problem is, I'm not sure if I experienced love in my marriage. Because the love didn't last or fulfill dreams. The marriage can only be described as a failure and I am accountable. Twelve years of two people sharing their lives together vanished in an instant. Where did the love go?

I think the answer is - a part of my heart that is inaccessible. For now. It's hard for me to understand love that doesn't last a lifetime. Until my marriage ended, I'd never experienced this. I'm an incredibly loyal individual and I do have a huge heart. My high school sweetheart and I have been friends for 16 years. Most of the people in my life, well, I've known them 5 or 10 years which is evidence I seek lasting friendships. I'm part of a big family, a constant in my life. For me, love lasts.

I'm all over the place in this post, so I'll stop here.

Wildfires

2011-09-08T10:58:00.004-05:00

I saw this photo, by photographer Deanna Roy, today on CNN which captures the Austin skyline and smoke from the horrific wildfire in the city of Bastrop located just south of the capital. The drought continues in Texas, I can't remember the last time it rained here. These conditions have sparked fires across Texas all year and this week homes in Steiner Ranch, Cedar Park and Leander burned. These neighborhoods and cities are less than 10 miles from my home. The sky remains hazy with smoke as firefighters work to contain the fire in Bastrop. It's scary. On Monday I pulled together digital photo archives, photo albums and packed a bag with a change of clothes, a leash and dog food for pup Boston in case of emergency.

My heart goes out to the families who have lost their homes or are otherwise affected by these wildfires. Looking at the image, the city is so small compared to the billowing smoke. I feel even smaller. Natural disasters are humbling that way.

Things I love

2011-08-26T14:34:00.003-05:00

It's been a long week. My employer has made headlines this week so everyone at the office is whispering and gossiping about the news and I've spent a lot of energy trying to ignore all of it. I'm tired. A few of my favorite things and thoughts:

1. There are few things in life more delicious than an Oreo cookie perfectly saturated in milk. The key is to hold the cookie in the milk until tiny bubbles sub-side. If you wait too long, the cookie is mush and often breaks and disappears into the milk. Yeah, I consider myself an expert on this matter even though I rarely indulge in Oreos

2. Last night in my dream, I moved to Manhattan. In the light of day, I know I wouldn't be happy in such a fast paced, enormous and expensive city. It was a lovely dream though.

3. My weekend to-do list has a line item which reads "Lisbeth". I hope to finish the 3rd and final novel in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series this weekend. I'll miss Lisbeth, such a great and intriguing character

4. I was invited to join a book club! So excited. The Alchemist is the first read.

5. I've become co-dependent upon yoga, it's the time I look forward to most week after week

6. I hope the East Coast is safe and sound from hurricane Irene. And I miss rain. Irene, please bring rain but not flooding to Austin

7. I've decided my favorite meal is tacos. Fish or avocado tacos are my favorites but really any taco will do. I intend to practice and perfect a fish taco recipe in the coming months.

Happy weekend!

The Finish Line

2011-08-21T21:52:00.009-05:00

In March of this year, I set a goal to run the 13 mile trail near my neighborhood and scribbled a 25 week training program on a sheet of paper to reach this goal. Over the past 18 weeks, I've kept to the program and have really enjoyed my time on the trail.

On Saturday, I accomplished the main goal and ran the 13-mile length of the Brushy Creek trail entirely on my own. A huge smile spread across my face at the 0 mile marker as I completed the loop.

My pace was pretty slow but it's August in Austin and one of the hottest summers on record. I realize this feat isn't worthy of a gold medal and I've run this distance before - a few years ago when I completed a half-marathon. Reaching this goal was incredibly gratifying because I started this journey in the midst of a personal crisis (divorce). This trail was personal. When I was married, a weekend ritual for my husband and I was to take our pup for long walks along "our" trail. After the separation, it was too emotionally painful to return to the trail until my sister went with me and I had a new memory for that place. In January, I was having trouble sleeping and jogging at dawn brought hope that being physically tired would lead to restful sleep. Last Winter I couldn't run 2 miles let alone 13 although I was athletic growing up and in recent years have taken my pup on walks regularly. At the start of this journey, I was in the darkest place I've ever experienced, heartbroken, lost, burdened with responsibility and feeling hopeless. The worst part was wishing I was someone else, a serious thought I couldn't withstand for long without falling apart. The objective in running the 13 mile trail was to transform and move forward in a positive way.

Over 18 weeks, I followed the program and thrived on the structure of a routine. I took swim lesson at the YMCA and started swimming laps and attending a yoga class weekly to give my joints and muscles a break. I lost weight, felt stronger, started sleeping better eventually and the positive energy and being self-motivated felt really good. I had a lot of time to think while running but thoughts came and went without my mind over-analyzing them.

I wasn't scheduled to run the entire length of the trail until September. The timeline was moved up because I have set a new goal and wanted to achieve this one first. So, the 13 mile run on Saturday marks the end of the 400:25 running program I created. In 18 weeks, I ran 288 miles and swam 480 laps (12K meters).

I've decided to run my first marathon in December 2011 and begin training this week. The race I've chosen is the inaugural marathon for Bryan/College Station, home Texas A&M University where I attended college. My parents live in College Station so I know they'll be on the sidelines cheering me on along with pup Boston. Aggieland holds a special place in my heart and it will be special to complete a marathon 10 years after my graduation. Many more training miles lie ahead, but I look forward to another finish line.

Restless

2011-08-17T10:45:00.002-05:00

I've hardly gotten any sleep the past two nights. This happens from time to time so I've gotten pretty good at making it through the day with little sleep.

Sunday was Luke's birthday which brought sadness because we celebrated birthdays together for 13 years. As the day approached, I could feel a wave of emotion building but was helpless to stop it. Also, I need to break things off with the guy I've been dating for a few months. This is not what I want but it's the right thing to do because his absent, impudent and inconsistent behavior is confusing and hurtful to me. I really like him but my optimistic thoughts about he and I have been extinguished completely. I don't understand other than generally - that's the way it goes. The most difficult part is waiting to hear from him so I can speak my peace and resolve the situation. I dread the conversation and the inevitable and difficult process that follows to let go of sentiment and hope associated with this person.

There are larger things on my mind as well. Would I be happier if I moved, out of state? Should I sell the house to simplify my life? What do I want?

I don't have a clear vision of the future. I'm not confident that I'm putting my energy into the right areas of life, which is to say I've lost focus. This is frustrating, because I am focused and doing a lot of good things but despite all of this, an undeniable and unsettling feeling fills my heart and effects the majority of my thoughts. Perhaps I'm so tightly wound that I can't relax and remain open. This sounds a lot like stress. Everyone has stress and the majority of people in the world have a great deal more stress to manage than I do. There's just no one to turn to to relieve some of the stress I'm feeling so I turn to action - create a plan and execute it.

The past 6 months, this has worked. But right now, I simply don't know what to do next.

400:25 Week 16 and 17

2011-08-16T08:48:00.002-05:00

I fell and skinned my knee on the long run in Week 16, on the sidewalk right in front of the Texas state capital. Ouch. Embarrassing, although it was early in the morning so no one likely saw me hit the pavement. I can't remember the last time I skinned my knee. It hurt but felt good to literally get up off the ground and keep going. Once I got back to the trail, a couple of people saw my wound and winced. I sort of felt like a bad ass - the girl on the trail with blood, sweat and perhaps tears but still running.

Week 16: 31 July - 6 August

Sunday: 8 mile run at Town Lake downtown. I got started late and it's 90-95 degrees by 9 am these days so I don't feel so badly about running 8 miles instead of 10.

Tuesday: 30 laps at the neighborhood pool (750 meters)

Wednesday: An hour of Yoga at the Y, which has become a highlight week after week. My yoga instructor is perfection.

Thursday: 3.5 mile run at Brushy Creek. The temperature hovers at 100 until sundown. It's insanely hot this summer and hasn't rained in weeks.

Friday: 30 laps at the neighborhood pool (750 meters)

Week 17: 7 August - 13 August

Saturday: 11.6 mile run at Town Lake. I was nervous about running 12 miles, nearly a half-marathon on my own. I hit the trail at 6 am and ran in the dark for a bit. I felt great the entire run. I ran on Saturday instead of Sunday this week because I had family visiting.

Monday: 3.5 mile run at Brushy Creek after work. A 3.5 mile run after work in the heat is almost as difficult as 11 miles at sunrise.

Wednesday: Yoga

Thursday: 30 laps at the neighborhood pool (750 meters)

Friday: 6 mile run after work at Town Lake

Weeks 1- 17: 259 miles, 62% complete and 12,000 meters in the pool

Volunteering

2011-08-15T13:02:00.005-05:00

In July, I began volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House Charity of Austin. RMHC sponsors a Family Room for a local hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. It's a place for families with a child in the NICU to gather and relax. The room resembles a hotel suite with a living area, desk with computers and kitchen stocked with coffee, cold drinks and snacks. A volunteer or RMHC staff member is required to be present for the room to remain open and available for families.

I take a 4-hour shift each week, welcoming and talking to the families, keeping the room tidy, making coffee or shuffling donated snacks from storage to the kitchen. I was nervous about making coffee, I'd never brewed a pot of coffee before not to mention for sleep-deprived parents who deserve a good cup. My heart goes out to the parents with a newborn in the NICU, every parent wants their child to be healthy. The diagnosis of the babies in the NICU vary, some of the people I've seen or spoken to have been watching over their child in the hospital for weeks. The hospital staff does all the work, the Family Room is just a quiet place for families to take a break from hospital monitors and stress. Some of the parents have expressed gratitude toward me as a volunteer, saying "Thank You for being here" or simply smiling - which means a lot, knowing they are going through a huge life event. You can feel the camaraderie in the room too, between families in similar situations.

So, this volunteer opportunity is a good fit for me. I chose the Ronald McDonald House Charity because it's a wonderful organization and personal to me since my Dad is in remission from T-Cell lymphoma (although, the children in the NICU aren't battling cancer. Not usually). The Family Room is a quiet place and I get to interact directly with families in need of kindness and the task at hand is something I can do well. The gratitude of the families is not necessary but is certainly appreciated and I had no idea such a small amount of my time could make such a difference.

Follow your bliss

2011-08-08T14:31:00.003-05:00

I finished reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (Great read. Very dark.) and am progressing through The Geography of Bliss - a light-hearted, thought-proving and funny travel memoir by NPR correspondant and author Eric Weiner. So far I've traveled with the story to the Netherlands, Switzerland, Bhutan and Quatar.

Have you ever asked yourself: If I were a country, what country would I be?

For me, the answer is Switzerland. Neutral, practical, productive, dry sense of humor, financially conscious - these are all traits Switzerland and I share. Most importantly, the Swiss and I are content and don't seek an abundance of happiness. The Pursuit of Happiness is fundamental to America and I get it but my pursuit is less intense and seeks contentment. Instinctively, the natural beauty of Switzerland contributes to the happiness of the people who live there. Don't get me wrong - I'm a city girl and don't want to go rural - but a city surrounded by the Alps would be heavenly. If I lived in Switzerland, I'd spend my days wondering through the sparkly clean cities of Switzerland or riding the train all over Europe taking photographs. While eatting cheese and chocolate, of course.

Realistically, though, the cost of living in Switzerland is one of the highest in the world so I will likely never live there. I'm not wealthy and don't speak French, Italian or German. My Mother's side of the family is Swiss and German. My Mom lived abroad (England, Curacao) in her late 20's and I remember her telling me stories about how much she enjoyed visiting Switzerland. I've always wanted to see the Swiss Alps with my own eyes (and camera). One day, I'll set foot in Switzerland and Europe but for now, I'm content reading and dreaming about it.

Coping mechanisims

2011-08-02T10:31:00.005-05:00

Sometimes I'm amazed how the body and mind adjust to life.

The concept of home is universal. Everyone is from somewhere. When I go to a hotel and stay for a few days, the hotel becomes home. I need that sense of security - a safe place to take shelter from the world.

Skin your knee and your body immediately begins to heal. It's fascinating. Band-aids and neosporin help the process but for the most part, nature and time are all that is required to heal.

Matters of the heart are a little more complicated to recover from because emotion (and ego) is involved. I read an article last Winter which presented evidence the same part of the brain is stimulated when a person is physically burned and after a break-up. It was one of those articles that proved something we all know to be true - a broken heart is a physical condition. Ice-cream, solitude, alcohol, crying, travel, exercise - these are a few coping mechanisms for personal pain. I've tried them all. Alcohol once, I found travel and exercise to be the most effective.

I'm reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It's a popular novel, a friend lent the entire series to me to begin reading on the long flight to Vancouver. It's a great read - interesting characters, family and corporate drama and an interesting plot. I read mostly at night and since I was little, I've experience nightmares somewhat frequently so I have to be careful what I watch, read or discuss close to bedtime. This book is so intense, I've had bad dreams about it. I'm still not used to living alone - I think that's part of it. So, as a coping mechanism, I started reading something light - The Geography of Bliss - to wind down my mind. So far, it's working. I'll finish the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo tonight then start the next book in the series.

I think coping is often a natural phenomenon - people instinctively react to their surroundings and adjust to feel happy or comfortable. But other times, coping requires a lot of effort and the right attitude. To work through pain, change or a less than situation requires effort.

400:25 Week 14, 15 and 15.5

2011-08-01T09:02:00.005-05:00

Same song, different verse: Running continues to go well and it's incredibly hot outside - 100 degrees. I got some really cute LuLuLemon gear in Vancouver. A girl's gotta look good on the trail, no?

Also, the 400:25 schedule I originally created and continue to follow allows for vacation but I didn't account for that here on the blog in the weekly labels. So, the blog post week labels don't match the Google Doc spreadsheet where I'm tracking everything. It's a little confusing - for me, at least - so I noted both week numbers below.

Week 14: 10 July - 16 July

Sunday: 6.5 mile run at Town Lake. Well short of 10 miles but my IT band was bothering me so I had to walk the last part of the run. Bummer.

Tuesday: 40 laps in the pool in the morning and 3.1 mile run at Town Lake after work

Thursday: 40 laps in the pool in the morning and 4 mile run at the Brushy Creek trail after work

Saturday: 1 hour yoga class and 3 miles on the Elliptical machine. I enjoy Yoga, loathe working out at the gym and prefer to run on the trail but was trying to give my IT band a break

Total: Run 17 miles, swim 80 laps and 1 Yoga class

Week 15: 17 July - 23 July

Sunday: 9 mile run at Town Lake. One mile short of my goal but I did my best. Did I mention how hot it is outside?

Tuesday: 3.5 mile run at Brushy Creek.

Wednesday: 30 laps in the pool in the morning and Yoga class after work. Yoga has been great mentally and for stretching.

Thursday: Travel to Vancouver, up for 24 hours straight

Saturday: 9 mile run through Vancouver's Stanley Park, along the English Bay to the Burrard bridge and down Burrard Street to the harbor. The weather was perfect - 65 or 70 degrees - and I felt like I could run forever.

Total: Run 22 miles, swim 30 laps, 1 Yoga class

Week 15.5:

This was an off week, due to vacation in Vancouver. I intended to continue working out per usual but was tired from traveling and adventure in Vancouver. I ended up taking the week off.

Sunday: 4.3 mile run through Stanley Park. I would have run farther but I got lost on one of the trails and didn't want to miss my flight - so I stopped running to walk and find my way back.

Wednesday: 1 hour of Yoga

Total: Run 4 miles, swim 0 laps, 1 Yoga class

To date: Run 227 miles (55% complete), swim 390 laps, 4 Yoga classes

Change your place

2011-07-28T08:21:00.017-05:00

I spent last weekend in Vancouver with my 3 best friends. We've known one another 15 plus years, I'd do anything for these girls and admire them more than words can express. We had a great time talking about a diverse set of topics and sharing adventures together. The city of Vancouver exceeded all our expectations - the stunning scenery, perfect weather, kind people, cool restaurants and endless opportunities to relax and have a great time.

It was the best vacation I've been on. I was in need of a vacation - a break from work, dating and the heat of summer in Austin - but there's always a need for good times with friends in a fun city.

Photos from left to right:
My friends and I in downtown Vancouver
Skyline view at sunrise from Stanley park
Sunrise at the Vancouver Rowing Center, Coal Harbor and Stanley Park

I'm happy to be home and back to the routine. While I was on vacation, I thought: Maybe I should move? I know a lot of people ponder re-locating while on vacation because they are in paradise, a new exciting place or separated from the responsibilities of home. Perhaps I should find a place - like Vancouver with nice people, beautiful scenery and diverse jobs - and start fresh. Texas is home, I've lived here my entire life and have roots here - a home, pup Boston, friends, a job and close proximity to family. But right now I have an opportunity to pick up and move anywhere I want and may never have this opportunity again.

I should at least think about it. I've never dared to think about it before, at any juncture in life.

I started reading The Geography of Bliss by Eric Weiner. "Change your place, I believe, and you can change your life", he says in the philosophical and funny travel memoir. I'm intrigued by a story about a search for the happiest places in the world. And the author's a somewhat jaded view of happiness itself.

I also read an article on CNN about Jeroen Swolfs, a photographer traveling to the 194 capitals in the world. He spends a few days observing and experiencing a place and a couple of days trying to capture a representative photo. From the article:

CNN: What are you ultimately trying to achieve?

Swolfs: I try to show that there are more similarities between these spaces than we think. People want the same things all over the world. They just want a little bit of a better life for themselves and their children. I see that everywhere.

It's also about dreams that can come true, because this was my dream. Even something crazy like this, if you're really motivated, you can make it happen. I don't even know if I'm going to finish it. I might be shot somewhere along the line. I don't know what's going to happen, but the fact that I'm able to do it and I'm living this amazing dream of being able to tell this story is what I think is special about this project.

CNN: What's something you have learned throughout your journey?

Swolfs: I've learned that people are a lot nicer than everybody thinks. There's a lot of bad stuff that happens everywhere, but there's also all these cool, nice and lovely people. Those are the kind of people I want to talk about, and I want to show.

Eric Weiner has had an interesting career as a foreign correspondent for NPR and reporter for the New York Times. Jeroen Swolfs is a photographer and photojournalist. Both are incredibly talented. I admire their boldness, sense of adventure and ability to persevere. It's inspiring.

I'm a data analyst who leads a relatively simple life. I don't have dreams as big as Eric Weiner or Jeroen Swolfs, but I have dreams and am entirely focused on what is possible in life. Like running 400 miles in 25 weeks - a project that started out as a positive way to spend my time and has become a real source of happiness (not to mention good health) for me. I also love to travel and photography. Despite my household income decreasing by 50% and bills increasing by 50% in the past year - I've found a way to go to New York, Boston/Cape Cod, Chicago and Vancouver in 2011 while holding a job and maintaining a home on my own (there are a lot of Google Doc spreadsheets and analysis of finances to support this cause). Each trip was a great experience, a little dream, and having my camera in hand for most of the journey made me happy.

What goes up must come down

2011-07-18T09:54:00.004-05:00

I'm not in a very good mood today. I'm hoping acknowledgment of this will lead to some peace, clarity or relief of some kind. Soon. I'm physically and emotionally tired and haven't been sleeping well. I worked out really hard last week and today my body is tired and sore from a long run yesterday. I'm stressed about work which leads to stress about other things. More often than I'd like, my thoughts wonder to the guy I'm dating and what's going to happen there. I do not handle undefined very well but I really like this guy and have such a good time with him. We both know where we stand with one another, as much as one can at this point. Processing the emotions and conversations after I see him - well, it's a little exhausting. All of this leaves me feeling a little physically ill and more tired than I've been in a long time.

I wish I knew how to keep my head from spinning. It's difficult. I can't decide if I need to slow down or go faster. When I think about what I can do to make life simpler and put my mind at ease, I'm at a loss - no clear action comes to mind. It's frustrating, I'm always willing to face a problem and take action. In this case, I'm struggling to pull together a resolution and act on it.

Later this week I'll be in Vancouver with my 3 best girls and am so grateful for the opportunity to spend time with friends and share an adventure together. Needless to say I'm looking forward to vacation. I've never been to Vancouver - this is my first stamp on my first passport actually. Vancouver is naturally beautiful, the mild weather will be a nice break from Texas summer heat and my friends and I have some fun activities planned. I'm looking forward to having my camera in hand, I haven't taken a single picture since my trip to Chicago in May and photography is so important to me. I spend a lot of time working, running, reading, with my pup and started volunteering - but I seem to neglect my creative outlet of photography.

So, hopefully this vacation will provide some relief for me. For you, I wish you a happy and peaceful week.

400:25 Week 12 and 13

2011-07-13T09:11:00.003-05:00

So, it turns out the pain in my knee which surfaced in late June is an inflamed IT band. The IT band is a group of tissues that runs over the hip and down the thigh to the knee and stabilizes the knee while running. It's common for runners to experience pain in the IT band, especially when running longer distances or increasing mileage too quickly. I have a training program, so I haven't run too much too soon.

IT band injuries take time to heal. But I'm not discouraged. To remedy the situation, I bought new running shoes, started doing IT band stretches that I researched and watched on You Tube (the stretches lead to tears but this is normal), substituted running with swimming and took my first yoga class (although I've done yoga DVDs at home in the past and know the basics). I can still run shorter distances without pain but will have to take a break from running 10 miles on Sundays and ramp back up to longer distances.

Since I'm running, swimming, doing yoga and may add workouts on an elliptical machine at the gym (not as much fun as hitting the trail but necessary to heal) and the Nike GPS app on my iPhone only tracks running....I'm tracking all my workouts in a Google Docs spreadsheet. I love data, I really do. I'll figure out a way to share the spreadsheet here on the blog soon.

Week 12: 26 June - 2 July
Sunday: 8.5 mile run on the Texas A&M University campus, my alma matter
Tuesday: 40 laps (1000 meters) in the pool, 30 with a kickboard and 10 free style
Thursday: 40 laps (1000 meters) in the pool, 30 with a kickboard and 10 free style
Thursday: 4 mile run at the Brushy Creek trail
Saturday: 2 mile run at Town Lake

Total Run: 14.5 miles, swim 2000 meters

Week 13: 3 July - 9 July
Monday: 10.3 mile run at Town Lake. IT band started hurting at mile 6.5 so I decided I needed to take a break the rest of this week
Tuesday: 40 laps (1000 meters) in the pool, 30 with a kickboard and 10 free style
Wednesday: 1 hour of Yoga
Thursday: 40 laps (1000 meters) in the pool, 30 with a kickboard and 10 free style
Thursday: Skipped 4 mile run
Saturday: Skipped 2 mile run

Total Run: 10.3 miles, swim 2000 meters, 1 hour of yoga

On the mend

2011-07-11T11:21:00.003-05:00

On Saturday, I hosted a brunch at the house for some friends. I love brunch, good friends and to host, so I was really excited about the occassion. Here's the menu I put together, everything was made from scratch:

Buttermilk banana muffins with walnuts
German Apple pancake
Hashbrowns
Scrambled eggs with pico de gallo garnish
Applewood smoked bacon
Strawberry, blueberry and blackberry fruit salad

The recipes all turned out well, I'd made the German Apple pancake before (from the Williams-Sonoma Breakfast cookbook) and it was a hit. The muffins were a risk because I'm not a skilled baker and it was a heathly recipe, I was happy they turned out yummy. I usually make hashbrowns by grating then pan-frying the potato in a skillet with some butter and cream cheese but this time I baked the potatoes and sauteed them in a pan with bell pepper and onion. Really, you can't go wrong with homemade hashbrowns.

Moments before my friends arrived, I cut my thumb open while cleaning the apple corer. The timing was good in that the table was set and recipes done. The timing was poor answering the door and greeting guests while bleeding. It's a deep cut in a terrible spot, right at the joint of my thumb on my dominant hand. I went to the doctor this morning and was scolded for not going to the ER over the weekend. Stitches would have been the best treatment but I waited too long. I'm glad I didn't get stiches because when Doc cleaned the wound it hurt like hell. I have to start the car and change gears with my left hand, brushing or pulling my hair into a pony tail is difficult but at least I can type on a keyboard and function at work. The phrase "sticks out like a sore thumb" is absolutely true. Doc also recommended I take a break from swimming for at least a week, which is unfortunate because my IT band is tight so I've been running less and swimming more. I'll just have to find something else to do in terms of exercise, like the elliptical machine at the gym.

So, lesson learned - a deep cut deserves a trip to the ER rather than waiting to see a primary care physician on Monday morning. And brunch is good fun!

Seven

2011-07-07T14:30:00.002-05:00

Today is 7 July - the seventh day of the seventh month of the year. I look forward to this day every year because seven is my favorite number and it's important to celebrate the little things in life. No?

7 is commonly referred to as a lucky number but luck has nothing to do with it for me. There are 7 letters in my name, 7 people in my immediate family and I'm a Libra which is the 7th astological sign of the Zodiak.

It's been a good day so far. Yesterday was a little heavy, I had a lot on my mind and wrote a lengthy and emotional post here. Today at lunch I ran a couple of errands so I can begin volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House Charity. I'm looking forward to this volunteer opportunity, RMHC is such a great cause. As a member of the A&M Cancer society in college, I visited the Ronald McDonald house in Houston and it was such a wonderful experience. I haven't dedicated any of my time to volunteering this year so I'm looking forward to doing what I can the rest of the year.

The weekend is almost here and I have some fun things lined up - I'm hosting brunch on Saturday at the house and am having fun putting together the menu. I think I'm going to attempt a strata for the first time. Ever since watching the Family Stone - one of my favorite movies - I've wanted to make strata, a layered baked dish of eggs, bread, veggies and herbs. Wish me luck!

To Have and Have Not

2011-07-06T11:16:00.009-05:00

Growing up in a large, close family with very nurturing and hands-on parents, I always wanted to get married and have children of my own as an adult. I've been told I have a huge heart and know I'm naturally a caring and nurturing individual. Family comes first, always. I'm very loyal, most of my friends I've known for 5-10 years or more and love them like family, too. My definition of family has always been one that expanded beyond my siblings, parents, grandparents and cousins and included a husband and children of my own. For as long as I can remember, this was more than a dream of mine, it was a very clear vision I had of my future.

At age 25, I married my college sweetheart Luke. Prior to marriage we dated for 6 years, including 18 months of living together (although not planned). In those 6 years, we discussed all the things a young couple is "supposed" to discuss prior to making a life-long committment and spent a lot of time with my parents and family (less time with his family, out of state). My intentions for having children were made clear throughout the relationship and Luke and I both wanted children but not right away. I wanted to be a young Mom and start a family in my 20's.

About 3 years into the marriage at my urging, Luke and I began to discuss the topic of children of our own. Luke had a change of heart. He couldn't envision his life as a father and the sacrifice it requires. He had an "unhappy" childhood. He wasn't sure if he wanted children. Luke's answer was Not Now, he never ruled out children entirely by saying No.

The decision to have children is life-altering, the most important decision someone makes in life. It's also not something a married couple can compromise on. If you don't agree, one person gets what they want and the other person doesn't. There is also no substitute for the experience of being a parent.

Whether to have children or not was an issue in my marriage. Overtime, I asked my husband a lot of hard questions. Did he not want children because he didn't feel our marriage was strong enough? Did he think I wouldn't be a good parent, a good mother? Is it due to the financial burden? The reason Luke gave was always rooted in his background and vision for the future and not me or our marriage.

These discussions were emotional but not arguments, there were no tears or raised voices. I did most of the talking. After each discussion, I remained committed to the marriage and decided with great certainty that if I were forced to chose, I would remain in my marriage and not have children.

This decision was based on the fact that I was married, committed and in love. I didn't want to have a child without a supportive partner. I didn't just want to have children, I wanted to have children with my husband. This was the only option, to leave the marriage because Luke didn't want children "now" was unthinkable. Some people are barren, physically unable to have children and if their spouse left them for this reason it could be considered cruel and selfish. In my mind, based on what Luke told me, he wasn't able to have children due to emotional reasons and experiences from his upbringing. I didn't distinguish between physical and emotional reasons for not being able to have kids. As a wife, it was important to me to put disapointment and confusion over Luke's change of heart aside and be supportive and understanding of Luke's reasons. I hoped that someday, Luke and I would overcome these things and have a family. I believed he would be a wonderful father and I felt ready to be a mother. I believed very much in the strength of our marriage and my love for Luke.

I don't believe you get what you want in life by abandoning the person you love and breaking a committment such as marriage for selfish reasons or to get what you want out of life.

Ironically, that's exactly what Luke did. He no longer wanted to be married, so he left. It was a very selfish act and a decision he made entirely on his own, despite the fact that it greatly impacted both of our lives. Luke did nothing to stay in the marriage. Not a minute of counseling. He didn't share his feelings of unhappiness with me or anyone else until moments before he walked out the door and never returned. It's something I'll never understand or would have expected from Luke but accepted almost immediately.

It's true, Luke's family is dysfunctional. Luke's personality makes it difficult for him to envision the future, the changes which result from having children is hard for anyone to wrap their brain around and especially Luke. He is selfish, but men tend to be more selfish than women (not always). While finances never strained our marriage, men do stress about finances and children are expensive. I'm not making excuses but feel these are all valid points for context.

After careful analysis and thought, I've come to the conclusion that for the last 3 years of our marriage, Luke said he didn't want to have children "now" because he wasn't fully committed to the marriage. He didn't want to have children with me.

Yes, it breaks my heart every time I think about it. So I don't. Think about it. The loss of my husband, my family and a life built over 12 years together, due to divorce is the greatest loss I've experienced in life.

But I've been divorced for a few months now. I have made great strides in finding happiness and moving on with life. I am happy. I have moved on.

I'm an optimist. When I see my parents, friends, family, blogging friends or strangers who are happy and in love, I smile and feel all is right in the world. I believe in love.

I am open to finding love again in my life. I believe it will happen, mostly because I want it to so badly and am willing to put forth the effort to find it. It has nothing to do with my experiences dating - love is just fundamental to my existence.

But having children of my own is too painful to think about right now. I haven't let myself believe it will happen for me. It seems impossible.

For 3 years I agonized over discussions with my husband about having children. I spent so much time and effort thinking things through and gaining clarity on the subject. I'm so glad that I asked the hard questions while I was married because I'd be left with regret now. One of the reasons I've been able to move forward after divorce is because I know I was present in my marriage. Everyday, I was present. It's so important to me for life to be genuine and being present is a huge part of that for me.

So while finding love again seems attainable and likely, having children is so far-reaching at this point. I do want to have children, that hasn't changed but it's become a dream instead of a clear vision.

I remain hopeful.

Independence Day

2011-07-05T10:43:00.007-05:00

I hope everyone had a nice holiday weekend. Mine started off well, my manager let us leave at noon on Friday so I went to Town Lake for a quick run then cooled off at the Deep Eddy pool by swimming in the cool water and treating myself to a snowcone.

Snowcones are one of my favorite things on the planet.

Saturday I attended a BBQ in San Antonio. It was a date. I wasn't nervous about meeting new people - meeting friends of someone I'm dating. On one hand, I always look forward to spending time with D, was intrigued to see him interact with his friends and I welcome the opportunity to meet new people and have fun. On the other hand, I didn't know the BBQ was out of town until the day before. It occurred to me that something could go wrong, I'd end up stuck 100 miles from home and in tears in the bathroom calling a friend to come pick me up. Of course that didn't happen, I had a great time and met a lot of really cool people. It was a long day though, I think I got home at 3 am.

Dating continues to be fun but a challenge for me. I show up to everything in life in earnest. The hardest part of dating for me is not knowing where I stand with someone and feeling like this person is trustworthy but not someone I can count on. I can't really put it into words. The people I have in my life, I need to be sure about and understand my role in their life, too. The way I like to live, it's very structured and certain. Dating is spontaneous and pretty much undefined. Live and learn.

I tried to sleep-in on Sunday but it's impossible so I laid in bed until 8 then watched CBS Sunday Morning - my favorite show which I never see anymore since I run on Sunday mornings. I moved my long run to Monday this week due to the holiday. Sunday evening, I had dinner with one of my best girls and her family. I had lots of watermelon and enjoyed sitting around the dinner table sharing a home-cooked meal and laughing over stories.

Monday I got up early and went for a long run. I was very tired afterward and took a nap then sliced up a watermelon to bring to my 2nd BBQ of the weekend, this time with my closest friends here in Austin. Watermelon and July 4th go hand-in-hand. Due to the drought this summer and "extreme wildfire danger", all the Independence Day firework shows in the Austin area were cancelled. Bummer, right? Better to be safe than sorry. After dinner we took the pups to the dog park and went for a swim in the neighborhood pool. My friends live downtown in a charming neighborhood, it was a nice night and I couldn't help but notice the twinkling city lights as the sunset and we walked home from the pool. It was a great end to a really fun and eventful weekend.

Tara. Or the definition of family is a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place (Garden State)

2011-06-27T11:25:00.007-05:00

This weekend I went to visit my parents and really enjoyed spending a couple of days with them. We talked over dinner, went to a museum, watched pup Boston run full-speed with acres of land before him, picked out used CDs at a music store (it felt very 1995) and had brunch at their country club. One of my favorite things about spending time with Mom and Dad is listening to the dialog between the two of them. They crack me up, it's refreshing. For example, Mom requested assistance in setting up her Kindle (a Christmas gift. 2010 at least). She was asking me for assistance but Dad jumped right in and there was a lot of discussion about routers, passwords and Virginia Woolf. It's no surprise the Kindle is still not configured.

About 6 years ago, Mom and Dad sold the house I grew up in located in Houston and moved to College Station where I attended college. I am still not over the sale of my childhood home and in my dreams I walk the hallways and visit the park next door. But Mom and Dad wanted to move and Aggieland is ideal for them.

This May marked 10 years since I graduated from Texas A&M University and I've been a little nostalgic about my college days. It's hard to believe it's been 10 years since I packed up a few boxes and moved to Austin, began working and bought my first car. In high school, I only applied to one university and being accepted was truly a dream come true. I grew up going to Aggie football games, attended softball camp every summer and listened to my Dad's college stories. One of my favorite spots on campus is the Memorial Student Center, specifically the post office, because both my Dad and I had a mailbox there and I liked the idea of walking in his footsteps, literally. A&M is rich with tradition, something I fully embrace and these traditions create such a strong connection between the school and alumni.

This past Sunday I went for a run on campus and was flooded with memories. At 6 am during the summer and on a Sunday, campus is completely quiet and I kept seeing or hearing people and events from the past unfold in flashes. (I run slowly. Perhaps it was the heat and not the strength of my memory?) I started at the Bush Presidential Library, ran by the Business school on West Campus where I spent most of my time as an MIS major, went under the clock tower and past admissions at Heaton Hall and ran to the Bonfire Memorial where I paused. Then I continued down the long road in front of the stately Administration buidling, through the Southside dorms and Quad, past the Evans library and Academic building and passed under the tunnel as a train passed overhead. I love the sound of the train going through College Station. I ran past the rec center and intramural fields and looped back to the Berlin Wall statue at the library. Every time I step onto campus, my heart swells. Aggieland is truly a special place which I hold so dearly in my heart.

I drove back to Austin on Sunday afternoon, exhausted from the drive and events of the weekend. I settled in front of the TV and decided to watch my favorite movie, an epic, Gone With the Wind. I've seen this movie a hundred times, I know the characters, history, trivia, costumes and dialog. Scarlett, she's my hero and I adore her, I find her fascinating and inspiring. Yesterday was the first time I've watched GWTW since November 2010 so my perspective on the final scenes, specifically when Rhett leaves, was different. Tara, the plantation where Scarlett grew up, is a place she always returns.

I have a Tara. Aggieland. Texas. My home in Austin. The community of Clear Lake where I grew up. All of these places have shaped who I am. I'm proud of where I'm from. I feel a strong connection to each of these places, I get a warm feeling when I return and cherish the memories of times spent there with friends and family. Everyone knows and loves that wonderful feeling when you cross paths with someone who grew up in their old neighborhood. Everyone gains strength from where they are from, their home or Tara.

400:25 Week 10 and 11

2011-06-24T10:12:00.005-05:00

Summer has arrived. It's hot for all the runners or anyone engaged in outdoor activity. Running in the morning is ideal but on Thursdays I usually run after work and just push through it. Regardless of the temperature, I really look forward to my time on the trail. It's fun to see my progress.

The first time I ran 8 miles in early June, I was wiped out. So last Sunday I decided to "go the extra mile" literally and extend to 9 miles, thinking this would make 10 miles in July slightly easier. I hit the Town Lake trail, stopped for water at mile 6 and my knee was really hurting. I could barely straighten my left leg. I did some stretches then carried on and finished the 9 mile route. As soon as I stopped running, pain shot through my leg. I couldn't walk properly.

Despite the pain, I tried to play it cool because I was at the Ped bridge where the water coolers are and lots of runners gather. I didn't want to be limping around in front of an audience. In a couple of hours I could walk okay and the next day, my leg was fine. But I remained concerned.

This week I took it easy by swimming laps on Tuesday instead of going for a run. I bought new running shoes because the ones I had been wearing were worn out and were not wearing evenly - they were worn more on the edge than under the pad of my feet. Shoes are important and this definitely could be the root cause of the knee pain I experienced. I'm optimistic this is the case. I wore my new shoes last night on a 3 mile run - so far, so good. I love my new shoes too, they have a splash of hot pink!

I did two swim workouts this week. I bought a kick-board and leg buoy to isolate arms or legs and improve. Trying to swim, kick and breathe all at once is too much for this beginner. The pool feels so great at 6:30 am, I'm definitely going to continue swimming laps.

My definition of a lap is one length of the pool because it's easier for me to count laps this way. Officially I think down and back is one lap. The pool is either 25 yards or 25 meters in length, most likely yards.

Week 10: 12 June - 18 June
Sunday: 8 mile run at Town Lake
Wednesday: 2 mile run at the Brushy Creek trail
Thursday: 4.5 mile run at Town Lake. It was 102 degrees at 7:30 pm. Seriously.
Saturday: I skipped a 2m run. Because I got my haircut in the morning and then went shopping and bought a new dress for a date. Terrible, no? But fun.
14.5 miles total

Week 11: 19 June - 25 June
Sunday: 9 mile run at Town Lake. I arrived at 6:30 am on the dot to take advantage of the cooler weather in the morning. Knee pain - ouch.
Tuesday: Swam 30 laps at the pool in my neighborhood
Thursday: 3 mile run in my new shoes at the Brushy Creek Trail
Friday: Swam 40 laps - 30 with a kickboard and 10 without. My legs are tired but I'm on the path to improving my swim stroke
Saturday: 2 mile run planned
Total: Run 14 miles, 70 laps in the pool

Total for Week 1 - 13: 159.5 miles, 120 laps in the pool

Catch a break

2011-06-23T11:13:00.002-05:00

Summer is here, below are a few things I love about this time of year:

4th of July holiday

Bar-b-ques with watermelon and grilled cheeseburgers

Going out for snow cones or ice-cream

Outdoor movie nights

Going for a swim, especially at Barton Springs or Deep Eddy here in Austin

Shorter work commute while school is out

It's so hot that people have to slow down

Lazy days and long walks on the beach

Fresh cut grass (although this year, my yard has seen better days)

Thunderstorms (also rare this summer in ATX)

Tank tops, flip flops, breezy skirts and summer dresses

A new pair of sunglasses

What do you love about summer?

A new chapter

2011-06-22T10:45:00.005-05:00

I began writing this blog more than 5 years ago. My intent as an author was to regularly carve out time to organize my thoughts, focus on the good and positive things in life and be part of the energetic, creative and friendly blogging community. It's been a fulfilling and rich experience, especially reading other blogs that are written so eloquently, candidly and full of emotion.

In the last few days, I have read through each of the 500 posts I've written here and unpublished the majority of the content. The blog documented my career, going back to school to study photography and the first wedding I photographed solo, my Dad's cancer diagnosis (he's in remission and well), loss (Gramma, my first dog Acie), buying my first home, adopting my pup Boston, family stories, travel adventures and most recently, the end of my 6 year marriage. While I have zero regrets in life and have nothing to hide, I a need a fresh start. The time is now.

It's raining today in Austin which has brought cheers throughout the city because we're in the middle of a terrible drought. I love the smell of fresh rain, the sound of rainfall and a cloudy and gray sky. I've always loved rainy days. As a photographer, clouds make for more interesting photographs. I played softball growing up and as an outfielder, clouds in the sky made it easier to catch a fly ball.

The rain, it felt like a sign - a natural way to wash away some of my emotional clutter while I wait for the sun to come out. Life is good.

400:25 Week 8 and 9

2011-06-13T08:50:00.008-05:00

On the road again! I'm really enjoying running and was amped up for my first 8 mile run last week because it was past the half-way mark for the end goal of 14 miles. The key to my routine is to hit the trail early before the temperature reaches 95 or 100. The sun doesn't come up too early here in Texas, 6:30 am.

The 8 mile distance felt great but definitely wore me out. I made the mistake of going to the grocer directly after running 8 miles and had to walk very slowly picking out produce and leaned on the cart a lot. It's too hot for pup Boston to come along on long runs but I bring him with me for 2 mile runs, sometimes 4 miles.

I use the Nike GPS app on my phone to track the distance, pace and route of my running adventures. I installed the app at the end of April, have run 95 miles since then and am excited to reach 100 miles this week. As you can see, I don't run very fast - typically a 10:30 mile.

Week 8: 29 May - 4 June

Monday 30 May: 6.05 mile run at the Town Lake trail and since I had all day due to the holiday, I swam 20 laps at the Deep Eddy pool near the trail. I love Deep Eddy and will definitely be spending more time there this summer
Thursday 2 June: 4 mile run at Brushy Creek trail
Saturday 4 June: 3 mile run at the Town Lake trail. Afterward, I took a free lesson at the Rowing Dock for "National Learn How to Row Day" which was cool and a new experience
13 miles total

Week 9: 5 June - 11 June

Sunday 5 June: 8 miles run at the Towl Lake trail. I started at the Ped bridge and ran past 35 then looped back
Tuesday 7 June: 3 mile run around my neighborhood. I dislike running in the neighborhood, I can't seem to focus like when I'm on a trail and there's no shade and cars driving by
Thursday 9 June: 4 mile run at Town Lake. I'd had a horrible, horrible day and was a mess but got through the run after work in the heat
Friday 10 June: My manager was kind enough to give our team the afternoon off, so I went to the pool in my neighborhood and swam 25 laps. I need a kickboard, I'm a beginniner and would really like to work on my stroke so swimming laps is a little easier
Saturday 11 June: 2 mile run at Brushy Creek with pup Boston
17 miles total

400:25 Week 7 and 7.5

2011-05-31T09:04:00.002-05:00

Status update on the 400:25 training:

I'm still really enjoying running, although temperatures have reached 100 and it's been incredibly windy. I run in the morning on the weekends and usually after work during the week. Mileage in Week 9 was a little short due to the holiday weekend and hosting family. I've been going to Town Lake more and more to mix things up. Running around the neighborhood is not ideal, I prefer to be on the trail where I can focus without cars whizzing by and it's a little cooler on the Brushy Creek or Town Lake trails due to the river and creek and shade trees.

Week 7: 15 May - 21 May

6.55 miles at Town Lake in Austin on Sunday
4 miles at Town Lake Tuesday
3.5 miles in Chicago Friday
Walked 6 or 7 miles in Chicago on Saturday
14 miles total (running)

Week 7.5: 22 May - 28 May
5 miles at Town Lake on Monday
2 miles at the gym on Wednesday
2 miles around the neighborhood on Friday
9 miles total

Next week, I'll start running 8 miles on Sunday and 4 miles on Thursday. I hope I'm ready!

A weekend in Chicago

2011-05-24T08:30:00.002-05:00

This weekend I was in Chicago visiting a dear friend and her family. The long weekend was full of activity, we had yummy sandwiches and soda at Grahamwich, went on an Architecture boat tour, the weather held up for us to go to a White Sox baseball game versus the Dodgers, we dined on delicious Italian food at a restaurant where everybody knows your name (except me, of course, an out-of-towner) and were amazed by the performances in a play called Passing Strange. We also attended her older daughter's choir concert, went to the doctor for the younger daugther to have stiches removed from her chin (ouch!) and took both girls to dance class. Each day I got up early to go for a walk or run along Lake Shore Drive and Michigan Avenue.

Chicago is a great city but what I enjoyed most was spending time with my friend and her family. We did a lot of fun things together in the city and normal weekend activities for the girls. May has been a great month due to my trips to Boston, Cape Cod and Chicago. I love traveling, especially to visit friends and this time of year when the weather is beautiful.

400:25 Update

2011-05-11T08:30:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've written about my 400 miles in 25 weeks journey. Running is going well, I really enjoy it. The weather in April was hot with several days at 90 degrees, so I struggled a little in week 4 and 5. My legs were tight and as soon as I hit the trail, I felt tired and stressed I couldn't run the planned distance. One mile into a run, I'd relax and finished each run but I was feeling discouraged.

On Friday of week 5, 30 April, I decided to run 6 miles ahead of schedule. I took the day off from work because I was flying to Boston that night, so I figured it was the perfect opportunity to get in a good run and get a feel for this part of the trail. I like knowing where the 1/4 mile markers are and haven't run on this part of the trail yet.

Growing up in a large family, my parents were frugal. Dad always fixed up things around the house and took care of car maintenance. When a car would start making an odd noise or after Dad worked on one of our cars, he would take it for a test drive around the block and I often sat in the passenger seat on these test drives. Dad would turn the radio off and listen intently to the car humming along.

Since I was struggling with running, I decided to follow Dad's approach and listen carefully to what was going on during my run. So, for the 6 mile run, I left my headphones at home. This made all the difference. Without music blaring in my ears, I realized my breathing was fine and my legs felt great. The trail is quiet, so I was focused and my head wasn't cluttered like I thought it would be without a playlist. I concluded the tightening in my legs was due to the heat and the root cause of my struggle was mental. I ran 6 miles without issue at all. Week 6 was an off week, since I was on vacation, but I ended up running almost every day and each run was great. The 65 degree weather and new scenery in Boston or the beach helped, but overall I think I've built up some stamina for running. Which feels great.

I also downloaded the Nike + GPS application on my iPhone which was very helpful while traveling to track the distance I was running. Pace is still not that important to me, but the app calculates pace and the route.

Week 3: 10 April - 16 April and Week 4: 17 April - 23 April
Sunday - 4 miles
Tuesday - 2 miles
Thursday - 2 miles
Saturday - 2 miles
10 miles total (x 2 weeks = 20 miles)

Week 5: 24 April - 30 April
Tuesday - 2 miles
Thursday - 2 miles
Friday - 6 miles
10 miles total

Week 5.5: 1 May - 7 May Off, instead
Sunday - 2 miles
Monday - 2.5 miles
Wednesday - 3 miles
Thursday - 2 miles
Saturday - 4.5 miles
14 miles total

Week 6: 8 May - 14 May
Monday - 3.5 miles
Tuesday - 2.5 miles
Thursday - 6 miles (planned) Update - complete!
Saturday - 2 miles (planned) Update - complete!
14 miles (planned) Update - complete!

Home Sweet Home

2011-05-10T07:36:00.005-05:00

I was on vacation last week in Boston and Cape Cod, MA and had a lovely time. The weather was perfect, sunny and 65 degrees everyday in the city and about 10 degrees cooler on the beach. This is the first time I've gone on a trip by myself. I met an old friend for dinner one evening and talked to friends or my sister a couple of times but was otherwise on my own for 10 days.

I got up early and went for a run almost everyday. I went to the Public Garden everyday while I was in the city because the park is so peaceful and beautiful with tulips and cherry blossoms in full bloom. I attended a sypmphony concert inspired by Romeo and Juliet and was very impressed with the Boston Symphony Hall. I went to a game at Fenway, Ortiz hit a home run over the Green Monster and the Red Sox won. I went to fantastic museums, namely the museum of Fine Arts and MIT museum. I stumbled upon a small print gallery in the public library and fell in love with a lithograph by Martin Lewis called "Arch, Midnight" (I intend to obtain a copy somehow, someday). I walked the Freedom Trail and took a harbor cruise to the USS Constitution. Sunday morning I attended service at the Old North Church. The church bells at the Park street church near my hotel would ring as I walked between Boston Common or the Park T station and my hotel. I can't think of a sound I love more than church bells ringing softly. I toured the Harvard and MIT campuses. I laid in the grass at Boston Common and read a novel on a sunny afternoon. I took the train a couple of times but walked everywhere, at least 5 miles a day, including a trip across the Charles River.

I ate a lot of delicious seafood, Italian cuisine and dessert such as Parker's famous Boston Cream Pie and Mike's Pastry. I had a glass of champagne at the Oak Room at the Fairmont hotel at Copley Square. I had crab cake Eggs Benedict for brunch and nearly died it was so delicious. I love Eggs Benedict and crab cakes. My friend insisted I have breakfast at Trident, a locally owned bookstore, and the lemon ricotta French Toast was worth the trip. I also bought a copy of Love in the Time of Cholera for $9, a novel I've wanted to read for sometime. Going out to dinner by myself was not very fun but by the 3rd night I learned to sit at the bar and the bar tender will keep you company.

The beaches of Cape Cod are beautiful, although windy, chilly and deserted in early May. I went for a run along the beach each morning which was amazing, the ocean is simply stunning at sunrise. I stayed in Chatham and spent one day in Provincetown to go on a whale watching tour. I'm afraid of boats, especially at sea, so I was completely out of my comfort zone. It was worth it, I saw several hump back whales and dolphins in their natural habitat. Whale watching was a memorable experience and it means a great deal that I went through with it despite my fear and being alone. Provincetown is a lovely town and I enjoyed seeing the lighthouses in Chatham and Race Point beach. I'm really glad I took time to leave the city and relax in Cape Cod.

I'm very glad to be back home, back at work and really missed my pup Boston. The day I got home from Boston would have been me and Luke's 7th wedding anniversary. It was on my mind but of course it was also Mother's Day so I talked to my Mom and wished all my friends and sisters who are Mom's Happy Mother's Day. You, too, my dear readers who are amazing Moms - Happy Mother's Day.

400:25 Week 1 and 2

2011-04-08T10:12:00.002-05:00

Running is going well, I'm making progress on the 400 mile goal and the training schedule is just right. I've had to switch running days this week due to work, running 3 days in a row is not ideal but okay since I'm not running long distances yet and falling into the routine.

I haven't been tracking my pace closely but estimate I'm running a 10 minute mile. I might add wind sprints into the workout to increase my pace or perhaps that will happen naturally overtime. I took my first swim lesson last Sunday, to learn strokes and how to swim laps, so I might substitute swimming for running on the trail as temperatures rise in summer. It's going to be 90 degrees in Austin this weekend.

Week 1
Sunday - 4 miles
Tuesday - 2 miles
Thursday - 2 miles
Saturday - 2 miles

Week 2
Monday - 4 miles
Thursday - 2 miles
Friday (planned) - 2 miles
Saturday (planned) - 2 miles

The weather is ideal in Austin during March and April and the bluebonnets along the trail make me smile. Here's a short video of pup Boston in the creek, this is one of our favorite spots along the trail. Boston veers off the trail as we approach this clearing and makes a beeline for the water when I let him off the leash. Boston loves the water and the cool rockbed feels good on his belly. Boston gets a lot of attention on the trail, people are always smiling or saying hello to him, especially people under the age of 12, and everyone laughs or smiles when they walk by and see him lapping up the creek.

Have a great weekend, enjoy Spring!

Day One

2011-03-27T12:42:00.010-06:00

Today marks the first day of the 400 miles in 25 weeks journey!

I got up early and took Boston to the trail to take a portrait of us in a patch of bluebonnets (and updated my blog profile photo). It was 90 degress in Austin yesterday but a cool 55 degrees at sunrise and overcast today. I love overcast days, they are rare in Austin and a cloudy, gray sky is great lighting for photos.

For the photo, I wore a new white dress with yellow ribbons from Anthropologie and sandals. Boston is such a good pup, he waited patiently as I set up the tripod and took photos using the timer. He didn't move from where I placed him in the bluebonnets, even when runners, cyclists and people walking their dogs walked by. Then I went home and changed into running clothes and headed back to the trail.

Boston and I started at the 0.0 mile marker and ran a 4 mile loop (4 miles total). My pace is not terrible, but certainly not an 8 minute mile but I'm not really worried about pace. It's not a race, rather a journey. The run this morning was a great start, the weather was perfect, bluebonnets dotted the trail and I could breathe in the sweet smell of other wildflowers. I felt really good on the run.

400 miles: 25 weeks

2011-03-21T19:16:00.007-06:00

Professionally, I'm an analyst and use data and metrics to make decisions or enable management to do so. In my last post personal crisis "data" was organized, the foregone conclusion was: I'm in pain, experiencing anxiety and under emotional distress. Yet functional enough to gather data about it.

Today, I felt awful and there was another incident of sitting at my desk when a wave of anxiety and emotion took over. As tears welled, I glanced at my calendar to ensure I didn't have any meetings, then grabbed my keys and headed for the parking lot. I quietly cried for an hour in a park near the office.

At the park I kept thinking: I wish I were someone else. Which is sort of like a 5 year old asking Santa for a unicorn, isn't it? I can't be someone else but I can transform, evolve and cope.

So tonight, I came home and made a plan. I've made plans or lists throughtout the grieving process, it helps prevent my emotions from taking over.

The photo shows a rough outline of my plan to run 400 miles in 25 weeks.

Pup Boston and I spend a lot of time at the trail and park near the neighborhood. Austin truly is a young and fit city, so there are trails like this all over town. This trail is 6.75 miles in length, so my goal is to run the 14 mile loop by this Fall.

I'll start out running 10 miles a week for a month - 2 miles @ 3 times a week and a longer run on the weekend. The next month, I'll run 12 miles a week and increase the length of the longer ru gradually over time each month. By September, I'll be running 22 miles a week and reach the goal of 14 miles on the weekend. I've run a 20K and half-marathon before, years ago now, but I know this is an attainable goal. It's not about a race, rather routine and taking care of me and Boston.

Due to my work, I can tell you the volatility of Supply Chain projects, average project duration, forecasted effort for developers and testers for a global project and actual effort associated with compliance work in the I/T portfolio of a Fortune 500 company. I cannot tell you how many miles one must run to get over a failed marriage.

I hope it is less than or equal to 400.

2010 Movie Reviews

2010-10-25T16:41:00.007-05:00

I love movies and spend a lot of time reading reviews and Oscar buzz, adding to my queue of must-see "classics" and, of course, watching movies. My friend Linwood and I talk about movies all the time, his favorite genre is epics and I cannot see enough classic films. Here are some of my thoughts on films I've seen recently:

A Single Man.

Details: A drama set in S. California a month after the Cuban Missile crisis. Starring Colin Firth and Julianne Moore in a supporting role, directorial debut of Tom Ford, based on the novel by Christopher Isherwood.

Review: Colin Firth was nominated for the Best Actor Oscar and awarded the BAFTA for Best Actor for this role. His performance is amazing, which is expected from such a gifted actor. I love Colin Firth, in this role he portrays the full range of emotion - from simple joy, deep sadness to border-line crazy. He keeps the audience interested in the story and you feel what he is feeling, even though you don't always understand why or what is going to happen next. Julianne Moore's part is small but she does so much with it - adding whimsy and a splash of darkness. I like movies like this - with a simple plot centered around a love story and ordinary life but extraordinary circumstances.

The Town.

Details: A crime thriller set in the neighborhood of Charlestown in Boston MA, present day. Ben Affleck writes, directs and stars in the film along with Jeremy Renner, Jon Hamm, Rebecca Hall, Chris Cooper and Blake Lively. Adapted from Chuck Hogan's novel Prince of Thieves.

Review: I knew this movie was about bank robbery and a group of thieves, so I was prepared for violence, action and suspense. I don't like scary movies (anything with violence), so this isn't a movie I'd watch again but I liked it. Ben Affleck's performance was good - I found myself rooting for a happy ending for him and loved the dramatic moments that were also humorous. Jeremy Renner's performance was perfection. Jon Hamm was very vanilla - and I couldn't help but expect him to hook-up with every female character he shared the screen with - just as Don Draper would do. Rebecca Hall was very good, I found myself watching her in every scene she was in and sympathized with her character. I saw similarities with Good Will Hunting, which Ben Affleck wrote with Matt Damon of course, because the story centered around a Boston neighborhood and dialect, friends with limited means who became family and dark, twisted relationships between characters.

The Social Network.

Details: One part drama, one part bio-pic and loosely based on a true story about the founding of the social networking website Facebook (2000's, Cambridge MA and California). Directed by David Fincher, ensemble cast of Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Justin Timberlake, Brenda Song, Armie Hammer, Max Minghella and Rooney Mara. Written by the genius Aaron Sorkin, adapted from Ben Mezrich's 2009 nonfiction book The Accidental Billionaires.

Review: The first scene is classic Aaron Sorkin and gets the audience's attention which carries through the entire film. The performances from the ensemble cast were great and didn't overshadow the plot. It was ironic for Justin Timberlake, a musician and artist, to portray the founder Napster (enabling the public to "steal" music from Justin Timberlake and the music industry). Without Aaron Sorkin's script, I think this movie would have been average and the writing and actor's performances make it great. It's a fun movie and a very interesting story.

Classic films I watched this year:
Laurence of Arabia: I wouldn't say I hated it, but I wouldn't watch it again. The cinematography was amazing. Pete O'Toole's performance was memorable. While it is an epic film and nicely done, I don't agree this is "one of the most influential films" of cinema history. For starters, there is not a single female character in the film, which bothered me and made the film, honestly, boring. This movie just rubbed me the wrong way.

Hud: A 1963 Western, with fantastic performances by Paul Newman and Patricia Neal. Westerns aren't my favorite genre, so I didn't love this movie. Being from Texas, although I don't live on a ranch, the plot was very disturbing.

Cool Hand Luke: A 1967 drama starring Paul Newman. I absolutely hated this movie, which is not to say it was poorly written or the acting was bad rather this is not my kind of movie. The cinematography was stunning, I loved the shot of the landscape reflecting in the ruthless prison guard's sunglasses. Paul Newman's performance was wonderful, but I was completely traumatized by the plot and some of the violent scenes. It's not really a violent movie, but I am a wimp and several scenes were just terrible for me to watch. Similar to Laurence of Arabia, there was not room for female characters in the story.

Dear Ol' Dad

2009-08-10T21:10:00.005-05:00

I talked to my Dad tonight and while the conversation wasn't especially memorable, it's remained on my mind. A few things to know about my Dad:

1. He reads the paper everyday. And cuts out articles he feels are relevant to you, like stories of outstanding women in the community he thought his daughters should know and perhaps admire. For really important articles, he'd make Xerox copies - sized 8X10 and wallet size, for reference at a moment's notice.
2. He's frugal. On a trip to the corner drug store on a school night to get something for a road game or school project, he'd buy a case of bar soap if it were on sale. This allowed he and my Mom to send 5 kids to college. And for the entire family to log enough hours changing the oil in the car or performing house repairs to earn an honorary certification as an electrician or plummer. Or both. If such a thing exists, I'll be mailing in my paperwork immediately.
3. Speaking of cars, Dad cheerfully called me the other day with news he and Mom bought a hybrid Camry. The real story was he had to trade-in one of his precious Jeep Cherokees. He was having a hard time letting go of the old car for sentimental reasons and called me specifically because for 2 months I drove the traded Jeep when I moved to Austin (eight years ago). And he "thought I should know the car is going to be crushed into pieces". He was shocked by this, despite the fact the car overheated twice on the way to the dealership and is probably 15 years old.
4. Dad kept strict control over the air conditioner in the house which was set at a steady 78 degrees. To this day, I will not lower or raise the temperature in the home Luke and I share because it's just unnatural. I've been programmed "not to touch the thermostat". My sister Tasha, on the other hand, perhaps rebelliously, keeps her thermostat at 60 degrees.
5. The truth is, Dad is the one who inspired me to pursue photography. Every summer, Mom and Dad packed up a camper and drove us down to South Padre Island to spend a couple of weeks relaxing on the beach, building campfires and learning about nature. Dad would spend hours taking photos of sand dunes, bumble bees on flowers and gorgeous landscapes. And I would watch him as he worked. A few of the photos were hung in his office at work and I always wanted an office just like his - full of beautiful photographs.
6. He loves my Mom dearly and would do just about anything for her. Except admit he is wrong :) In a funny, sweet kind of way....sometimes.
7. He loves golf. Every other time I speak to him, which is frequently, he's "perfected his golf swing". Or has a new club which will "perfect his golf swing".

I feel obligated to share something about my Mom as well because she's perhaps the greatest lady I've ever known. But, really, the fact she's a mother of 5, been married to Dad for 35 years and is still sane is a great start.

Never give up

2008-12-08T18:11:00.006-06:00

When I was four, my parents signed me up for Youth Soccer. I have few memories from my first athletic experience.....I was the only girl on the team, our team name was the Tigers, our colors were gold and black. Soccer season was late in the year and although winter is not particularly harsh where I grew up in Houston, I asked my Mom to stay home from soccer practice because it was very, very cold that day.

Side note: I have no idea why 4 year olds practice soccer. I guess to learn the names of our team mates and generally how to kick a ball and run around in a group, leaving the goalie alone at either end of the field for the duration of the game.

Mom said No, I could not stay home from practice. I had signed-up for soccer, needed to join my team on the field and generally participate for the entire season. Every game. Every practice.

I don't remember how many games we won or lost that season or if it was in fact cold that day or rather I just wanted to read my favorite Little Golden Book, Pokey the Puppy, or play My Little Pony in my room with my sister Tasha instead of going to soccer practice.

But I remember my Mom gently explaining my obligation and impressing upon me how important it is to show-up, especially if you're part of a team. I was only 4. But I got it.

And so, 26 years later, I look back and think of all the times I could have chosen to stay home, give up, let the team down or quit all together. And I remember this lesson Mom taught me, one of life's little moments which has stuck with me and become part of my code. Because there are so many times I've wanted to give up or quit. Jobs. Relationships with friends. Relationships with boyfriends. Trying to be nice all the time. I've even thought of quitting this blog a time or two. But time after time, I keep going, keep moving in the direction I think is right and I haven't quit. And I believe it's been easier to do so because of this realization when I was 4, one of the many reasons I'm so grateful for my Mom and Dad.

Even though Mom and Dad screamed and cheered like maniacs on the side-lines, as if the Tigers of Sagemont were in the World Cup. That's beside the point :)

If you're a parent and didn't feel like driving your child to Youth Soccer or wanted to stay home and have hot chocolate and skip practice. No judgement! There are other opportunities to teach childen the importance of showing up. Or not. I just chose to share this one, my experience.

The Last Lecture

2008-06-18T11:16:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading The Last Lecture by Dr. Randy Pausch. The book is based on a lecture the author and professor gave at Carnegie Mellon University titled "Really Acheiving Your Childhood Dreams". The "headfake"? Randy was diagnosed with terminal cancer in September of last year but his message is not about death or sadness, it's about living well.

A computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon, Professor Pausch is incredibly bright and an eloquent, charismatic and direct speaker. A dreamer himself, "enabling the dreams of others" has been a focus for his life and career. He's a teacher, father, husband and an inspiration to thousands of individuals.

But the life he leads is very simple. The book is one which can be read over and over, with passages underlined. Or view the lecture several times, as Randy's delivery makes the message all that more meaningful.

Below, a few "Pauchisms" or quotes from the book/lecture which come to mind:

"The brick walls are there for a reason....they are there to show us how badly you want something. They are there to stop the other people."

"I don't know how not to have fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun."

"Tell the truth. All the time. Look for the truth about yourself. You get people to help you by being honest. Be earnest."

"Live your dreams."

"I've never found anger to make a situation better. I can spend time angry or do something productive."

"I am alive. I feel great."

From Jai Pausch: "I have everything I need. I accept the conditions of our life."

"Never loose the childlike wonder. It's just too important. It's what drives us."

"If you wait long enough, people will show you their good side. You may have to wait years."

"Don't tell people how to live their lives, just tell the stories. And they will figure out how the stories apply to them."

"[The lecture content] is not about how to acheive your dreams, it's about how to lead your life."

I love Texas

2007-10-05T10:29:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week in the car on the way home from work, I sat at a traffic light behind a big ol' pick-up truck. How is this different than any other commute in Austin, you might ask? The bumper sticker on the truck which read:

Honk if you're rich, cute and love horses.

Ah, I love Texas.

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend the Texas Conference for Women at the Austin Convention Center. I attended last year and was thrilled to come across a ticket for this year's event completely by coincidence at the last minute.

The event was amazing, 7500 smart, creative, lovely women of all ages and from across the state in a convention center to listen to inspiring speaches from honored guests and attend seminars on leadership, managing stress, financial guidance, entrepreneurship and health. Nancy Giles was the morning's keynote and was hilarious, Elizabeth Vargas followed her and was eloquent and brilliant. The morning seminar I chose was given by body language expert Jan Hargrave. I saw her last year at the conference and came back for more because she's perhaps the most fascinating and engaging individual I've ever met. I had the pleasure of meeting her briefly during a book signing.

At mid-day I walked onto the main floor of the center to find an open table, have lunch and listen to another keynote address. A volunteer asked me which table I was looking for and I responded "any open table". She kindly said, "You're having lunch with me!" and led me to a reserved table 15 yards from the front podium where Governor Rick Perry was giving an address, followed by a speech from former HP CEO Carly Fiorina. She's famous for being fired and mentioned people often come up to her and say "After you left HP..." or "when you chose to leave" and she said, "No. It's okay. I was fired." Hearing this from a woman highly scrutinized in the press after being fired, I found this portion of the afternoon extremely relevant and comforting. It's okay to be fired. The afternoon seminar I attended was given by a panel of witty, diverse, charasmatic, female entrepreneurs. Unfortunately they confirmed starting a business takes an incredible amount of hardwork and it never gets easier, however the rewards (monetary or othewise) are plenty. I understood this to be reality but with hopes of being a professional photographer and perhaps a studio of my own someday, I was hoping for a lighter message.

Everything I heard at yesterday's conference was inspiring and uplifting and I'm incredibly grateful the event conicided with this time of great transition in my life.

Mom

2007-07-30T21:36:00.000-05:00

The thermometer in the car read 102 at 5 o'clock this afternoon (See? Rain isn't such a bad alternative). Before pulling out of the parking lot of the office, I clicked the seatbelt in place using the plastic handle and thought of my Mom. In the summer, it seemed she drove us around more than during the school year, to the community swimming pool, soccer camp, a friend's house or on her errands to the bank or grocer. For a number of years, we rode around in a light blue Ford Escort wagon, the cloth seat belts had a metal handle which got incredibly hot during the summer heat of Houston. I couldn't buckle myself in because the metal burned my little hands, so I'd whine, "Mommy! It's hot!" and Mom would reach over and quickly buckle it for me. She wouldn't pull out of the drive-way until everyone was safely buckled.

Then and now I'm amazed at Mom. She took such good care of us - 5 children - instilling values and manners and without hestitation, making self-sacrifices along the way. Everytime I buckle my seatbelt in the summertime, I'm reminded of Mom's love and protection.

Agassi

2006-09-04T11:46:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Andre Agassi lost in the 3rd round of the US Open. This was his final tournament before retiring from professional tennis. To say I am totally bummed would be an understatement.

Andre is a great athlete and human being. He's one of the greatest tennis players of all time and hands down my favorite athlete. I admire him a great deal and have followed his career the last 20 years. I will really miss watching him play and seeing his face and smile light up an entire stadium. I will miss all he brought to tennis and his charm and unique persona. It's hard to say goodbye to someone like Andre.

Here is Andre's good-bye:

"The scoreboard said I lost today, but what the scoreboard doesn't say is what it is I have found.

Over the last 21 years I have found loyalty. You have pulled for me on the court and also in life. I have found inspiration. You have willed me to suceed sometimes even in my lowest moment. And I have found generosity. You have given me your shoulders to stand on to reach for my dreams, dreams I could have never reached without you.

Over the last 21 years, I have found you and I will take you and the memory of you with me for the rest of my life.

Thank you"

-Andre Agassi

Agassi's been on my mind most of the weekend. And the individual responsible for establishing the Labor Day Holiday. Genius - I'm so very grateful.

With Time

2006-07-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't discussed deeply personal topics in this forum. Yet. I started this blog because I think one's inner thoughts are important and there is value, understanding and clarity which can be reached in writing thoughts down. I also like the idea of a place of my own where I can mentally escape - it's relaxing, comforting. Life is hard sometimes.

So, tonight I'm going deep. The past few years I've been struggling to really deal with one of life's emotional challenges. I know I'm not alone, there are many, if not all, people who deal with the exact same thing. It's unchartered territory for me to share something so personal but I know I'm failing to handle this situation and I don't want to avoid my emotions any longer. I'm ready to face my fear. Or at least begin the process.

My Dad has cancer. 4 years ago he went in for a routine physical and spots appeared on his lungs. A year later, he'd had investigative surgery at MD Anderson, but a diagnosis was still out of reach, test results inconclusive. 8 months later, after many visits to doctors and a specialist in Boston, he was diagnosed with T-cell Lymphoma, a relatively rare form of cancer.

I remember the tone of my Mom's voice when she called to tell me. I cried. Hard. And I couldn't stop thinking about how hard it must to be for her to learn something so terrible and then call each of her 5 children. A harsh reality to face. I also remember wanting to talk to my Dad and being told to wait because he'd know he caused our tears. He couldn't talk to me. Not on that day. This had never happened before, not being able to talk to Dad. Mom and Dad were always there for me.

There's no going back. I found myself in a new reality. I need to comfort my parents. I'm their child but they need to be cared for.

I felt helpless. Thoughts ran through my mind. I should move to Houston to be closer to them. I need to be there, everyday, as they have always been for me. It was as if my world had turned upside down. My parents had encouraged us to live our own lives and be independant. I was caught between feeling an obligation to do everything which would never be enough and not knowing what was the right thing to do and feeling everything was wrong. So I began to push these feelings away and fill my mind with hope. I constantly am wondering if this is enough.

My parents share everything within our family - they let us know about his treatment, how he's feeling, how Mom is feeling and how they carry-on with life. We also talk about the things we always talk about - the intimate details of work, family and homelife. Mom is always by Dad's side. Dad is still Dad. I admire my parents a great deal, always have. Their strength is truly a miracle and their honesty and positive outlook has influenced me to be positive.

But, in the back of my mind, I'm always wondering. How do I deal with the threat and pain of losing a parent? What do I do? Is it enough? Is there enough time? How can I take Dad's physical pain away? How can I help support my Mom as she cares for Dad so completely and willingly?

I haven't cried about my Dad's cancer since that first phone call from Mom with the diagnosis. I've convinced myself that if I cry, it's a form of doubt. And if I don't believe he's going to be okay with all my heart and will, then maybe he won't be. That is a reality I do not want to face.

Last January, Dad completed chemotherapy treatments at MD Anderson. Just before Christmas that same year, his tests results indicated remission. It was wonderful news. He had to complete 2 more rounds but the treatment had worked sucessfully. Suffering and enduring through treatment which literally kills you while at the same time barely keeps you alive, was on-hold. Not over, but additional treatment or revised treatment was not planned.

It's always the little things which are part of a much, much bigger thing that really get to me. Anyone else feel that way? This morning I had a voicemail from my Mom, but I had a busy day at work ahead so I didn't check the message until after work.

Her voice was serious. Test results. I knew the cancer had come back. I had to call Mom and once again face this reality. All this from a little message.

Since the cancer came back so quickly, Dad's doctor has recommended a more aggressive treatment plan. Chemotherapy is always aggressive, so this meant he would under-go the trial they'd been reading about which is experimental (READ dangerous). It's designed specifically to treat T-Cell Lymphoma, the last treatment was not. Only 30 patients in the entire country are in the study, 3 at MD Anderson. 16 weeks - 3 days on, 7 days off. This is the 1st time this treatment will be given to human patients, other than during research, so essentially the amount of treatment is unknown. This means the chemo will be even harder on Dad than the last treatment program. The treatment he went through last year was very rough.

I'm still feeling numb. My outlook is positive and I'm able to ask questions and take notes and just talk to my parents. But I just don't think that is enough. It's a form of guilt which is starting to weigh on me and I worry doubt is starting to creep in, along with fear. I'm amazed how natural it feels to tell this story. The words appear on the page and it is very personal yet surreal at the same time. I was hoping writing my thoughts and feelings and details around the situation would help me deal with everything but I do not feel that way. I still feel reserved, uncertain and fearful. Maybe with time.

A thousand and 11 words on current events

2006-05-02T11:30:00.000-05:00

I'm going to buy some Exxon stock with my $100 rebate.

Welcome

2006-02-01T14:27:00.000-06:00

This is my first entry. In the event all subsequent entries are compared to this, I better make it a good one

The name of my blog is Nameless because I've suffered....no, experienced, somewhat of an identity crisis my entire life. The crisis began at birth when my parents began calling me by my middle name, ignoring the first name carefully chosen and documented on my birth certificate. My mother had my middle name printed on my social security card, as an infant I could not protest this act, which posed a problem when I entered the work force as a young adult. I fell ill while on vacation but was refused medication at the local pharmacy because my drivers license did not match my insurance card. The situation seemed to have worked itself out until I got married, changed my last name and was frowned upon when applying for a new social security card. My husband's family, who live out of state, have referred to me as Hester, Amanda and Lisa on occasion. These are all very lovely names but have little in common with my actual name. Last month, during the painful process of switching cell phone plans, the company randomly changed the first letter of my last name. Yes, this is the name that appears on Caller ID. That name was Hemp.
Consider yourself lucky if you do not hesitate when asked the simple question, What is your name?

The 78th annual Academy Award nominations were announced yesterday. I live and breathe for the Oscars, a condition which has worsened in recent years. Jon Stewart is hosting and I hope he is more in tune with the Oscar theme than Chris Rock was as the host of last year's ceremony. Both are very sharp, funny comedians. I'm pulling for George Clooney in all categories - Good Night and Good Luck and Syriana were excellent movies. I'm also pulling for Reese Witherspoon and Joaquin Phoenix. I'm wondering if John Spencer will be remembered in the In Memoriam segment, my favorite part of the show. He was a fine actor but on the small screen and I cannot remember the qualifications for inclusion. West Wing on DVD is a favorite pastime for my husband and I, also essential for coping with the end of Sex and the City (SATC) and Dr. Carter's exit from ER (even though I haven't forgiven him for the dear john letter he left Abby Lockhart). All that being said, Gray's Anatomy may be the best show I've seen on television

That's enough for today, still easing into this whole process and feeling very exposed