Through the lens

Howdy.  February 2013 marked 7 years since I started writing this blog.

I'd like to incorporate more photography into my blog, so I'm moving my personal blog to the same platform where I maintain my photography website and on-line portfolio.

I know it's a pain to update links or subscriptions and the like.  Be that as it may, please do so.

Here's the link:
http://hklenses.wordpress.com/

I incorporated lenses into the name of the new space because, as a photographer, lenses allow me  to capture light and see the world in different ways.  Our emotions, experiences, thoughts and surroundings shape our perspective as we go through life, just like a lens does for a camera and photographer.

I hope you'll keep reading.

Sweet emotion

Lately life has been full of joy and I've found that my emotions have been running high on Tuesday following emotional foster/adoptive parent training sessions on Monday evenings.  So here's a wave of sweet emotion for y'all.

"The happiest days are when babies come" -Melanie in Gone With the Wind 

-Last Friday my sister gave birth to a baby girl and the entire family is thrilled and completely in love with the newest member of the family.  

-In training last night, the topic was discipline.  Each member of the class was asked to provide an example of how our parents provided discipline to us growing up.  The story I shared went like this: As a child, I was a picky eater and eventually Dad got fed up insisting that I eat my vegetables.  So he started assigning me term papers on the vegetables I wouldn't eat, so I would learn on my own why it was vital to my growth and health to eat spinach.  An academic approach.  

A hour or so later in training, we were asked to answer for the group: When do you feel powerful?  My response: Knowledge is power.  The class chuckled, a typical response from an I/T Geek.  Then the connection....I'm a data analyst whose Dad used term papers as a disciplinary measure.  Priceless.

-I had the loveliest chat with my Mom on Sunday.  We talk often but on this occasion we spoke for about an hour.  She called with the details of the birth of her newest granddaughter and it was wonderful to hear the pride and joy in her voice.  I feel closer to my Mom now than at any other point in my life and it's not just the love and guidance she continues to provide.  We share laughs, stories and are great friends.  When we hung up the phone, my eyes welled with tears - I love my Mom.  

-One of my dearest friends is getting married in a couple of weeks in West Texas.  She's over the moon with happiness and marrying a wonderful man and their families are equally fun, open and loving.  It's just a great love story and I'm happy to be a part of the celebration.  My three best friends from high school are all in the wedding party and I can't wait to be in their company and create laughs and memories.  Also - I'm so excited about some time off from work and my first trip to West Texas.  This weekend, I'll be photographing her bridal portrait in Marfa.  I'm so excited!  I had a dream that she was in the wedding gown with stunning landscape behind her and I went to my camera and had left it back in Austin!  Nervous but happy about the bridal portrait. 

-Spring! Bluebonnets are in full bloom and the weather is perfect in Austin this time of year (although, frankly, March was unusually cold.  Temps in the 40's and strong winds).  Pup Boston and I found a new favorite spot along the trail.  Here's a photo of him romping around.  He's a good pup.  He runs as fast as he can, then spins in circles which is hilarious, then makes a beeline to the creek to cool off.  Sorry if the video makes you dizzy.  

Tear it up

I recently went through an exercise where I was asked to answer a few questions, in 15 minutes:

What are you doing tomorrow?

Who do you want with you?

What do you want to accomplish in the next 5 years?

Who do you want to be with you to share in those accomplishments?

We reviewed our answers as a group. Then, we were told to tear up the sheet of paper.  Next, we were given a piece of masking tape and told to piece our plan back together.

We were then asked how we felt without a plan and what it was like piecing our plan back together.

This is a metaphor for what children in foster care experience.  They experience situations which are so harmful and dark, it is necessary for them to be removed from their home and taken out of the care of their parents.  The children are left with a mountain of uncertainty.

When the facilitator asked me how I felt without a plan (before the parallel to a foster child was drawn), I responded that I was disappointed but would make a new plan.  I may not always have a plan but a framework for life - principles, skills, faith, traits and relationships - is constant.  For children in foster care, it's difficult to understand how such terrible things can happen in the world and especially to those members of our society who are so young and impressionable.  I'm beginning to understand why they are so fragile and incredibly strong at the same time.

One of the darkest moments of my life, the night my husband left our home and marriage without warning, brought a great deal of uncertainty into my life.  The morning after he walked out, I was in shock and the pain of being abandoned (even though at the time I didn't know it was permanent) was overwhelming.  My first thought that morning was: "What am I going to do?".  Somewhat intuitively, I got out of bed, walked downstairs and opened the back door to let pup Boston out in the yard.  Pup's tail was wagging and he immediately rolled in the grass like he does every morning.

In that moment, I started crying.  Mostly because of the sense of loss and confusion from what happened hours before but also because I felt a sliver of optimism.  The simple act of letting the dog outside in the yard, something I'd done a thousand times before, felt like a huge accomplishment. My life was a mess, my future shattered, I didn't know if I would lose my home, job, friends and financial stability in the process of putting my life back together....but I knew how to let the dog out into the yard in the morning.  I didn't know if things would be okay but this was a sign they would be.

I was lucky.  I woke up that morning in my home where I felt safe and had the sweetest pup in the world by my side.  Out in the world, I was surrounded by people who loved me and were trustworthy and the kindness of strangers.  In addition to my friends, family and job, pup Boston was a constant which provided an immediate sense of purpose.  

Children in foster care, and it breaks my heart to think about this, are removed from their homes and families and everything they know time and time again.  They are too young to possess the resources and life skills to re-build their lives and a bright future.  They must rely on professionals (social workers, lawyers, counselors) and foster parents to provide a framework to move forward.  It's understandable they lose their will or ability to put together a plan only to have it torn up again.  It must be so incredibly difficult to grow up surrounded by uncertainty and to have experienced such pain at a young age.

My eyes have been opened, wide, to foster care.  I'm only two weeks into the training and it's a long process of which I do not control the outcome....but I can't help but think about how the life experiences I've had - growing up in a loving family, two years volunteering at the NICU and talking to hundreds of families, and yes, even my marriage ending in divorce - have to be leading me somewhere beyond my imagination.

Step One

On Monday I start the 8 week Parent Resource Information Development Education (PRIDE) training to become a certified Foster and Adoptive Parent.  Last October I went to orientation at the Department of Family Protective Services and have waited patiently until now for an opening in the required training class.  Last week I gathered references and diligently filled out the packet of information for the first training session session.  I'm anxious to start the training and hope to interact with and get to know the other hopeful parents.  I still can't comprehend being given the opportunity to foster/adopt a child because there are so many unknowns about the process, the circumstances of the child and how a bond forms between an adoptive parent and child.  Will someone really place a child with a single parent? I know there are not answers to these questions, only time will tell.  But the questions still swirl around in my mind.

I remain absolutely certain about one thing: I will do everything I can and anything necessary to become a parent because there is nothing more worthy of one's time and love than family.

How-To

If you want to skip to the videos at the end, I find them amusing.  They star my Dad, me as "narrator" and the plot involves a father trying to explain to his daughter how to discover a water leak and read a water meter.  Or, sometimes I make things more complicated than need be and my parents are my heroes.

Lately a lot of my spare time has been allocated to home maintenance.  The air conditioner needs to be replaced which is really expensive but the main issue involves plumbing.

A timeline:

• 2005, purchased my home.  For as long as I can remember, the toilet in the bathroom downstairs of the house has not worked well.  
• May 2012, a city employee broke my water line accidentally.  I hired a plumber who repaired the leak.  3 months after I filed a claim, the city reimbursed me for the cost of the repair but my water bill was off for a few months. 
• December 2012, the city left a notice on my door indicating I had a water leak.  Customer service tells me the reason the bill is higher is the cost of water has increased.  So helpful, right?!  A review of my bills over the phone indicate nothing out of the ordinary except the bar graph on the bill is incorrect.  It seemed suspicious, since higher cost of water doesn't result to a notice on the door and the bar graph spike began in May 2012 when the incident above occurred
• February 2013, 50 mph winds blew down a section of the wooden fence in my backyard.  The fence post fell on the water spicket, bending the copper pipe 5 inches or so.  I discovered the issue at 10 pm at night, it was too dark and windy for me to tell if the post fell on the water hose and turned it on or if there was a leak.  I wasn't sure how long the fence had been down but the ground was soaked.  

Enter....My Dad.  To say he knows a great deal about plumbing is an understatement.  A kind and loving father, he knows a great deal about parenting too and truly would do anything for his family.

I thought I knew how to shutoff the water to my house, but when the fence blew down and it was late at night and I was tired and didn't want to be out in the wind and cold....well, I got confused.  To my credit, there are 4 holes in the ground outside labeled "Owner Shutoff", 2 for my home and 2 for the neighbor, in addition to the manhole for the meter, the green case for the irrigation system (I know that one) and the white cover (I have no idea what this is for).

A photo:

Coincidentally, days before the wind storm potentially causing a water leak, my Dad offered to come to Austin that week to look at my A/C unit and fix the toilet in the bathroom downstairs which is the only explanation for the leak the city reported in December (reported then couldn't explain when I called).  He also intended to play a round of golf and Mom would come too, of course, to visit.  While they were here, they repaired the fence which involved Dad digging and breaking up concrete.  In the process, he broke my Grandfather's crow bar which resulted in a few curse words.  Dad assured me the fence didn't cause a water leak but fixing the bent pipe will require a plumber (something about heating, sweating the pipe).  While I was at work, Dad replaced all the workings of the toilet downstairs so it works better than new.  When I got home from work, the 3 of us repaired the fence with my neighbor donating a bag of rocks to steady the posts.  Afterward, my parents and I went out to a lovely dinner and I made a loaf of banana bread for my neighbor.

The next day, I cannot describe how relieved I felt when I woke up.  I love my home and being a homeowner; I set aside savings for repairs and understand it takes time and effort to repair or maintain a home.  But lately, a lot of things have happened at once making it difficult to manage and stressing finances.  At times like this, it's a blessing to have someone volunteer their time and expertise to help.  Having my Dad complete the fence and bathroom repair and assure me the pipe outside is fine provided priceless peace of mind.  I'm incredibly grateful.

While Dad was in Austin last week, I asked him, once-and-for-all, how to know if there's a water leak by reading your water meter.  While I consider myself a smart lady and have learned about plumbing, water leaks and the sort from experience....in the video I come across as pretty clueless.

Here is part 1:

"I AM LOOKING!" I sound like a brat.  Dad had started talking and I was trying to capture his explanation on video, to reference in the future, but he accused me of not paying attention.

"What do you mean it turns?"...a red wheel on the meter is clearly spinning, in addition to the meter dial.  I'm an idiot or making this too hard.

"Turn the water off Linda!!!" A classic line, Mom has been his loyal helper for decades and I am reminded of the countless hours I logged holding a flashlight or helping Dad growing up.

"Okay, it stopped!" is a moment of enlightenment.  Dad asks leading questions forcing me to state the obvious.

"You keep saying leaking when you mean running".  I take a step back from enlightenment.  Dad uses the terms interchangeably and stated I didn't have a water leak, preventing me from fully grasping the concept that running water and a water leak has the same result on the meter...the red wheel and dial move. I'm missing the whole point at this point.

So Dad, trying to be patient, explains again.  I prompt him to repeat the explanation noting I didn't capture it on video.

"Say it again [please].  I missed it" I say softly.

Also, I love my Dad's pearl snap button down don't you?

At the conclusion Dad says "If the water is turned off completely, like now, the wheel on the meter doesn't move".  I quickly pan the camera to the meter to capture, again, what I just saw seconds earlier in Part 1 and Dad has explained 5 different ways.

In conclusion I say "Okaaay".  Translation: Thank you! Finally I understand!

Part 2:

Whirlwind

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you, I hope your life is incredibly sweet and filled with laughter and love!

The past month has been a whirlwind.  I took a job at a new company and on my second day of work, boarded a plane for a week-long business trip in Detroit where I met my manager, co-workers and hit the ground running in my new position.  The weather was over 50 degrees cooler in Detroit than Austin so of course I got sick.  I spent 2 days in a hotel room with a fever and feeling miserable and upon returning home, my temperature was 102 and I slept 20 hours on Saturday and 12-14 hours a night for the next 4 nights.  I'm feeling better now, thankfully, but couldn't see a doctor straight-away because I hadn't signed up for medical insurance with my new employer yet.  I'm usually prepared for such things but everything happened so fast.

It's always harder to leave a job than you think it will be, even when you've put thought into the decision and know it's the right one.  I had a few days off in between jobs and finished the mosaic I mentioned in my last post, went to the LBJ Presidential Library, took pup Boston to the park a lot, spent the day with family to celebrate my Dad's 70th birthday and I hosted a bridal shower for a dear friend at a loft in downtown Austin.  Some friends invited me to watch Downton Abbey with them which has become a new Sunday night tradition (I've seen all of season 1 and 2 now so I'm all caught up on Lady Mary, Lord Grantham and Lady Cora.  Pup Boston loves the yellow lab pup who roams the grounds of Downton).  In many ways, life is good, but it's been difficult being ill while traveling (which is worse than being sick and living alone - who knew there was anything worse) and building up my strength after being sick and calling insurance companies to understand benefits and the implications for my intent to start a family.  I'm managing but it's been stressful and tiring.

I'm definitely looking forward to Spring, which is right around the corner.  I'm settling into the new job and excited about the opportunity.

Here are some photos from my adventures

Bob Schneider at the Saxon Pub

 The bride-to-be and hostesses for the shower - such a lovely group of ladies and a fun evening

Photo mosaic

 LBJ Library

 Pup Boston at the park

 Dad's 70th birthday

 Sunrise in Detroit on a winter morning

 

We're just ordinary people

I’m in the process of searching for a donor for my first IUI cycle.  I’m a logical thinker, an analyst and incredibly detail-oriented and structured so the task is not daunting.  Looking back over the past month, I’ve realized that donor selection is one of the most interesting things I’ve ever done.  It’s such a life experience because I’m listening to or reading people’s thoughts about their lives and the world.  I have a specific purpose for learning about their lives and a relatively small window into their world, but I am quite enjoying being an observer. 

At the outset, my selection criterion was simple:

Clean medical history

Compatible blood type

Intelligent

I started reviewing medical histories and all the information available for free which includes physical traits, education, hobbies, essays and staff impressions.  I did not want to see photos. 

I was often surprised by the traits or details which resulted in a positive or negative reaction from me.  One person had a child and I immediately removed them from the results.  It’s fine if the donor has a child, I just don’t want to know about it.  A few of the donors are actors, sometimes I like that (serious, intelligent, huge imagination) and sometimes I don't (huge ego).  Similar to on-line dating, which I did briefly only about 6 weeks last year, the criteria I formed was much more restrictive on-line/on paper than if I met someone in-person.  This is logical – there are so many unknowns when you don't have an opportunity to meet someone and spend an extended period of time with them.  There are a lot of candidates so instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt on paper, you move on.  It’s judgmental which has taken getting used to. 

After reviewing 10 or so profiles, I added two more criteria:

Must have siblings

Must be creative in some way (music, art, photography, film)

Next, I bought a subscription in order to access audio files of interviews with the donors.  Specifically, I needed a better way to judge intelligence than essay responses, standardized test scores and GPA without the name of the school attended.  In addition to the audio files, the subscription includes extended medical histories, personality traits, a more detailed description of physical attributes and baby photos.  The baby photos appear on the screen and are unavoidable, so I look at them.  Physical attributes are interesting, but a history of cancer is obviously more important. 

For me, the audio files are the most insightful.  Some people sound goofy; others sound strong and serious or shy.  Hearing their vocabulary, how they express themselves verbally and context to their response is captivating.  Sometimes you get a glimpse into their humor and how seriously they take themselves which is nice to know.  I find myself driving down the road, re-playing the conversation in my head.  I take notes and refer back to them and pick up on the smallest details.  All the other information about the donors is the same – the questions on the medical history, personality test, hobbies etc.  The interviews are similar but the donors aren’t asked the exactly the same questions.  Next to the medical history, the audio interview will greatly influence my decision on selecting a donor. 

It’s an interesting process.  I thought my selection criteria was clear, and it is, but there are so many things to think about, questions which cross my mind. 

Do I pick someone like me and in what way, physically, morally?  I was never good at science, perhaps I should choose someone who is.  Strong moral character is important but seems to fall in the nature versus nurture category and this person is only contributing to the nature side of things. 

Should I pick someone with dark hair and eyes like me or entirely different, blond hair and blue eyes?  I’m not pursuing fertility to have a child that looks like me so it doesn’t really matter.  My former spouse has blond hair and blue eyes, so I’ve realized that I am comfortable with that combination.  Fascinating. 

Should I pick someone of the same ethnicity? 

I am Caucasian but am often asked if I’m Hispanic or French.  My response is that I have Native American roots, which is true, but a lot of people have Native American ancestors a lot closer in line than I do and don't have any trace of it in their physical characteristics.  I'm not even sure if Native American ancestry is the basis, it’s the only explanation I have for my darker skin paired with dark brown hair and eyes.  I like the idea  of ethnic diversity and the strength and good genes that may provide.  All children are beautiful though so does it really matter? 

Would I date this person, the donor? 

Sometimes, I really like the person because they are one of those people who is instantly “likeable” or I feel some connection to them or they are like me in a way that is important.  It's difficult to describe or quantify.  Usually it's when I'm very pleased with their response about their values or upbringing.  I think: I would date this person. 

It feels odd, because I’m never going to meet this person.  I think my brain is still thinking: Find a partner who will be a good father.  It’s an adjustment searching for a donor, not a father.  Perhaps it’s a good question though, because if you would not welcome the opportunity to spend time with a person as a friend or potentially on a date, do you really want to select them as a biological contributor to your family? 

Maybe I should add that to the list of considerations: Would I want to hang out with this person?  Would they fit in with my family and friends?  

The journey continues.  I have a few candidates.  I’ll keep you posted.